UKIP conference “chaos” after Farage and Bloom revelations

by articulatedsheep

The UK Independence Party’s annual conference has descended into acrimony following a succession of revelations about leader Nigel Farage’s behaviour as a seventeen-year old, and off-colour comments made by UKIP MEP Godfrey Bloom.

Farage is alleged to have sung Hitler Youth songs when on a night exercise with his school’s Combined Cadet Force when in sixth form. A letter, written at the time by a teacher, has emerged expressing concern about his behaviour.

I done a guff

I done a guff

“This is astonishing.” said UKIP-watcher Rick Astley. “A lot of people will be shocked not only that Farage was once seventeen, but that he was seventeen in 1981.”

“This means that when the Sex Pistols released ‘God Save the Queen’, he was thirteen years old.”

“I mean, what the hell? I always assumed that he was born in the 1920s, or that he emerged from his mother’s womb at the age of forty-seven, puffing on a Regal and bellowing that he was ‘gasping for a snifter’.”

Meanwhile, MEP Bloom has had the UKIP whip withdrawn after referring to a group of women as “sluts~”.

“In my day,” Bloom said in his defence, “a slut was a disorganised woman with a questionable sense of hygiene – a little like a Frenchwoman. But now apparently the word means a woman who is sexually promiscuous, I understand. I mean, what is going on? It’s like with the wooftahs. Time was, we could call them poofs, shirt-lifters, that kind of thing. But now apparently we have to call them, ‘gay’. ‘Gay’ used to mean happy, full of joie de vivre. But the homos have taken it and ruined it, just like they’ve ruined everything, them and their friends in the EU.”

“I am confused and lonely.”

Away from the controversy, UKIP’s conference was a productive one. Reaffirming their commitment to traditional policies such as a return to the gold standard and the repeal of the Married Women’s Property Act 1882, the conference also agreed to a new set of policies, developed by what Farage described as the ‘young turks’ heading up UKIP’s youth wing, which is open to party members under the age of 75. Key policies include:

  • 500 free Nectar points for those who publicly denounce producers of degenerate art.
  • Banning headscarves (with a special exemption for the Queen).
  • An amnesty for National Trust members who are caught by the police driving their cars at 110mph along a B-road, if they can demonstrate that they are speeding because they will otherwise be late for the opera.
  • More golf.
  • More frequent visits by children and grandchildren to the care home.
  • More hats. Why don’t people wear hats any more? People should wear hats.

Mr. Farage also used the conference as an opportunity to launch the party’s new slogan, “Nig-nogs? Bahhhhhh!” which will be used in the runup to next year’s European Parliamentary elections.



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