Shapps: “Independent reports are more independent if I write them for you”

by philapilus
Resident with Grant Shapps

“Hi, my name’s Grant…or possibly Michael. Or maybe Sebastian… hang on, what day is it?”

Conservative party chairman Grant Shapps has today lashed out at a UN official’s criticism of conservative party policy, on the basis that the comments weren’t made or approved by the conservative party.

Raquel Rolnik, who is producing a report for the UN human rights council on adequate housing around the world, recommended that the government’s changes of housing benefit be suspended, especially the so-called ‘bedroom tax’.

“This is disgusting,” said Shapps, “Ms Rolnik made totally unfair comments about social housing benefits, based on chatting to benefit claimants living in social housing! She didn’t come and ask me what to write in her report, or anything!

“And she called it the bedroom tax, just like the newspapers, TV broadcasters, commentators and everyone else in the UK has been doing for ages and ages, instead of calling it the spare room subsidy,  which is the name we came up with to make it sound less bad. That’s just rude!”

Mr Shapps was particularly furious that Ms Rolnik had taken it upon herself to investigate UK housing without visiting ministers to ask them to repeat things that can easily be found on government websites.

“She didn’t even talk to the Department of Work and Pensions!” fumed Shapps. “Oh… she did? Oh. Well, it’s not like she spoke to any ministers! Oh… Eric Pickles? Well…look that’s not important, anyway. The point is she is totally unqualified to make comments on the UK housing benefit system!”

The question of qualifications is indeed a germane one. Ms Rolnik is merely a simple UN-appointed special rapporteur, with little previous experience or knowledge of housing, having formerly only worked as an architect, national advisor, author and department director in the field of urban planning and management for the last three decades .

Unlike Grant Shapps she has never used a string of assumed identities to hide her involvement in internet companies using plagiarised software, has never posed as a multi-millionaire, nor manipulated the number of her followers on Twitter.

Even more damagingly for her credibility, she seems never to have offered online customers the chance to make ‘$20,000 dollars in 20 days or your money back’, and her education did not consist of five O-levels and a Business HND.

“She’s doesn’t know what she’s talking about,” said Shapps, “and Michael Green, Sebastian Fox, and all my other alter egos agree with me.”

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