Bob Geldoff to be shot into space “Where he can do no more harm”

by philapilus
bono speak

Please God, PLEASE let this man be next

Campaigner and nasal whiner Bob Geldoff will be launched into space next year, as part of the Space Expedition Corporation’s plan to get rid of the 100 most annoying people on the planet.

SXC spokesperson, Percy Spoke, said “Firstly, about the fact that our initials are SXC instead of SEC; yes, we know. It’s fucking retarded. But our CEO insisted his 11-year old son be allowed to handle the marketing strategy, and apparently adolescents think things are cooler if you stick an ‘X’ in.

“Anyway. We have come up with a very exciting plan to get rid of every egotistic rich wanker we could find, and to that end we have devised our exclusive ‘space tourism’ programme, codenamed ‘Heffalump Trap’.

“Basically our brochure bangs on about how only a special elite will be able to say they have been into space, and how unbelievably expensive the trip will be, which immediately attracts the attention of your average narcissistic millionaire. Then we make them feel even more important by giving them ‘training’ – because yeah, of course, we’re going to let them fly an actual fucking spaceship.

“Then we strap them into a budget-price rocket and fire the fucking thing out of the solar system. Everyone’s a winner.”

Geldoff was one of the first rich people to leap at the chance to be fired into nothingness. His expulsion from the world will be celebrated with a gigantic rock concert, for which he is personally paying, as it appears he has remained immune to the realisation he will not be coming back.

Asked if admitting the company’s plans to kill off rich twats and celebrities so openly might not deter business, Spoke said “No, we just tell them it’s a ploy to keep the shitmunchers away.

“It works, believe me. At the weekend we did a test-trial, and fired Vinnie Jones into the sun. We strapped him into a cramped aluminium coffin fixed to the side of a massive rocket marked ‘ACME Explosives’. He didn’t even complain. Just kept asking when the drinks trolley would come by. These people are – how can I put this politely? – fucking morons.”

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