Attenborough: “The End is Nigh”

by philapilus
David Attenborough 1

Moments later Sir David launched an astonishingly savage physical assault

Veteran broadcaster and beloved narrator of natural history programmes, Sir David Attenborough, was taken into care this morning, after he was discovered marching up and down Oxford Street screaming obscenities at people and chanting “YOU ARE ALL FUCKING DOOMED” through a loudhailer.

Sir David was wearing a sandwich board on which he had scrawled ‘The End Is Nigh’ dozens of times, using gibbon excrement.

The renowned presenter had previously given an interview to this week’s Radio Times, during which his mood was described as shifting from ‘”initial pessimism” to “weeping uncontrollably about the coming apocalypse”.

RT interviewer, Mike Ock, said “Sir David began by saying the world was overpopulated, under-resourced, and that we were defying evolution through our technologically advanced culture, keeping too many of us alive.

“He kept stopping and staring ahead into nothingness, like a monitor lizard. Then the tears started rolling down his cheeks, and his face was soaked like a fish’s. 

“Before long he was screaming like a howler monkey, and throwing furniture around the room like an enraged silverback gorilla. He then went quite motionless, like a stick insect, but then suddenly lunged at me and tried to bite my face off, like a feral human from Essex. It was terrifying.”

After running away fom the interview, Sir David was not seen again until this morning, when police discovered him engaged in street-prophecy, berating people for their mistreatment of the planet, and in particular singling out “All you fucking Indians with your bloody massive families”.

Sir David was taken to the Priory, where it is understood he is now engaged in making a documentary about the terrifying, narcissistic creatures who reside there.


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