E-cigarettes “Just as shit as nicotine patches”

by philapilus
Electronic Cigarette Inhalation

There’s a cash prize for the first person to find a way of using this without looking like a total arse

A new study of people going through the unspeakable hell that is Giving Up Smoking has confirmed that electronic cigarettes are every bit as godawfully unsatisfying as nicotine patches.

Researchers from the University of Auckland conducted a clinical trial which they claim has scientifically proven e-cigarettes to be ‘as useful in combating nicotine withdrawal as a tub of Vaseline is for putting out a forest fire’.

Professor Hamish McEyebrau said “We studied almost 700 smokers who were trying to quit, and found that those using the electronic devices and those using nicotine patches were equally likely to fly off the handle and physically attack someone at the slightest provocation.

“These short-tempered, miserable wretches, for whom existence is one long tortuous ache for the cancerous caress of the forbidden tobacco, remain as unbalanced and desperate as a rottweiler with a chopstick inserted in each testicle. Thank god I’m a non-smoker, and only use heroin!”

The electronic cigarettes, which have been purchased in their millions and then chucked in a drawer somewhere after two tries, also suffer the image problem associated with the patches. Many smokers complain that blowing water-vapour through what looks like a plastic toy is not a huge improvement on walking around covered in more plasters than Mr Bump.

But quitting-smokers themselves remain as unforthcoming with alternative solutions, useful ideas, or indeed the capacity for basic cogitation, as anyone else in chronic withdrawal.

Tim Twanks, one of the university’s test subjects who hasn’t had a cigarette in three whole days said “FUCK OFF! FUCK OFF! JUST FUCKING LEAVE ME ALONE YOU BASTARD! FUCK OFF OR GIVE ME A FUCKING SMOKE!”

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