“Porn? Never heard of it!” say MPs

by philapilus
English: Rt Hon David Cameron MP speaking at t...

“…and then I saw this clip where a dominatrix pushes this man’s head into her lap and makes him – well, you really have to see it!”

David Cameron has strenuously rejected data resulting from an FOI request, which revealed that there were more than 300,000 attempts to access pornography in the Houses of Parliament in the last 12 months.

Cameron said “I want to express outrage at the ridiculous notion that we, as your elected representatives, spend any of our time whatsoever looking at rude videos online.

“Most MPs don’t even know what porn is! I mean, I only know because, well, you have to if you’re Prime Minister, that’s obvious.”

The suggestion that MPs and peers not only tried to access porn, but tried continuously to access it, is an embarrassing one for the government. Especially as David Cameron recently unveiled a plan to have porn automatically blocked from every household in the UK with a nationwide porn-filter – an idea which saw him beat Jacob Rees-Mogg to the coveted ‘Most-out-of-date-human-in-existence’ title.

MPs joined this evening in the country’s first cross-party political consensus since 1939, in insisting that they never look at naughty websites, have no idea what rusty tromboning is, and that their unusually muscular right wrists are a result of “Vigorous thumb-war competitions during lunches”.

Percy Titwatcher, conservative MP for Bummington in Sussex, said “The message from both houses is clear; we might be a bunch of tossers, but we are NOT serial masturbators.”

But preternatural contrarian George Galloway was quick to refute everyone else’s refutations, saying “I will not follow the baying crowd or the false prophets of the coalition! Unlike the government I am proud to stand up and acknowledge the disgusting acts I enjoy watching on my PC in the House of Commons every day! Unlike the rest of you I am proud to stand before you and declare myself one of the biggest wankers the earth has ever seen!”

It was immediately lauded as the most honest and uncontroversial statement he has ever made in Parliament.

 

 

 

Advertisements
%d bloggers like this: