Archive for September, 2013

September 30, 2013

“You say Tom*TAY*to, I say tom*TAR*to, let’s call the whole thing an abomination,” say Tories

by philapilus
English: Green tomato on the plant before ripe...

Look at them rubbing against each other like a right bunch of gaylords

A new hybrid plant, called the TomTato, has just come onto the market, and has already been roundly deplored by senior Conservatives as “an unholy debasement of the concept of marriage, as laid down by God Almighty.”

The TomTato, created by grafting a potato stalk to a tomato stalk, was intended to be a solution for people with small gardens, as it produces both crops from a single plant in a single pot.

But Peter Bone, Tory MP, said “This plant clearly represents a departure from scripture. Need I remind today’s market gardeners of Leviticus 19, which says ‘thou shallt not sow thy field with

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September 30, 2013

Fearful and Terrified people in Duck Tours ‘Fear and Terror’ ordeal

by philapilus
A DUKW on a tour of London, in the Thames just...

This one isn’t on fire, but if it was there would be FEAR and TERROR

The London amphibious bus tour operator, Duck Tours, has suspended the river component of its tours after one of its craft caught fire whilst in the Thames yesterday.

‘Fear and Terror’

Newspapers were quick to explain to people reading them that the people on board the vehicle had experienced ‘Fear and Terror’, rather than other emotions, such as enjoyment, hunger, enthusiasm or ennui.

‘Fear and terror gripped the passengers as the flames rose around them’ reported the newspaper that

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September 30, 2013

Women distraught as fictional character ‘dies’

by philapilus
Colin Firth leaving the premiere of "The ...

Colin Firth came to the door of his house this morning, to ask the thousands of women holding a candlelit vigil in the street to fuck off

Women across the UK have expressed their outrage this morning, after author Helen Fielding revealed that she had killed off the character Mark Darcy, husband of her most famous creation, Bridget Jones.

Female fans of Fielding were said to be ‘devastated’, ‘horrified’, and ‘grieving’, over the fact that the completely fictional character is no longer going to be written about in completely fictional literature, with one blogger describing it as ‘A death more painful to me than if my own children were drowned by a murderer’.

Unemployed blogger, Tina Twanks, said “Fielding has broken our hearts, and let us all down. This is the single greatest tragedy in

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September 30, 2013

UK children can’t hold their drink

by philapilus
English: Eric Pickles, British politician and ...

Why don’t our children want to be more like this?

There was public outcry this morning at the revelation that hundreds of children across the UK – many aged 11 or under – were admitted to A&E units last year, after drinking too much.

A BBC Radio 5 live investigation revealed that 6,500 under-18 year olds were admitted to hospital in total, of whom nearly 300 were 11 and under.

Minister for Communities, Eric Pickles, said “This is an absolute disgrace. When I were a lad of six I drank eight pints a day without throwing up once, because I made sure that I simultaneously ate around 70 scotch eggs, pork pies and

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September 26, 2013

The Tesco and Asda guide to mental illness

by philapilus
English: A participant of a Zombie walk, Asbur...

This person has depression. Avoid.

There’s a lot of confusion and stigma attached to mental illnesses these days, and so we’ve prepared the following guide, to help you know what to do and say on meeting someone with a mental health problem – whether caused by complex chemical imbalances in the brain or through lasting psychological difficulties.

Follow our plan and you cannot go wrong!

The Guide:

So you’ve met a nutter. Don’t panic!  It’s a bad situation, but stay calm, and this list will help you through:

1. The mentalist will not know how to

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September 24, 2013

Irish archaeologists find body of world’s earliest known drunk

by philapilus
English: The "Galagh Man", a bog bod...

‘Feck, where’s me pint gone?’ he carved on a slate as he sank

Scientists in Ireland have confirmed that the bog body known as ‘Cashel Man’ is the world’s oldest discovered alcoholic to date.

Protected both by the renowned preserving effects of peat and “A high-enough level of blood-alcohol to fuel a space rocket”, the body found in Cashel bog is over 4000 years old.

Professor Paddy O’Shamrock, of the Guinness University of Drink in Dublin, said”Bedad if we didn’t just find de oldest drunk fella in de world! Dis man was having a right old craic down at de pub while all dem

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September 24, 2013

Miliband unveils ambitious plan for massive energy price hike in 2017

by philapilus
Ed Milliband MP speaking at the Labour Party c...

“If I go to my Special Imagination Place I can see it all now; people thronging the streets, cheering, and shouting my name. Wouldn’t it be wonderful?”

Ed Miliband today wowed the audience at the Labour conference in Brighton, when he outlined a policy that he would implement, were he living in an alternate reality where he stood even a remote chance of winning the 2015 election.

Miliband said that under a new Labour government, “Energy firms would be told not to increase prices for two whole years, which they would obviously pay for by cutting jobs and reducing investment in infrastructure.

“Then, in 2017 when the price freeze ends, they can go absolutely mental and charge a stupendous amount, which consumers will have to pay to avoid blackouts and freezing to death come wintertime.”

The Labour leader kept his audience enthused and appreciative for an hour, describing several other plans for his magical dream universe, ranging from the totally impossible to the wholly

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September 23, 2013

“Al-Shabawhatnow? Ooh look, cheese!” says UK

by philapilus
Triumph Herald 1200 side shot

If those vicious terrorist assholes really want to get noticed, they’ll have to start doing quirkily interesting things, like deliberately not driving a vintage car for fifty years.

Halloumi cheese and a car that was only driven once, were the most important things in the news today, according to a poll undertaken by research group Views On The News (VOTN).

The findings were corroborated by the BBC news website, after articles about the surprising popularity of the cheese, and a Triumph Herald that remained undriven for 52 years, topped the site’s ‘most read’ table in the morning and evening respectively.

Views On The News interviewed a sample of 5000 commuters heading home after work, in an attempt to gauge the UK’s interest in global affairs. The results, it says, were not promising.

Wendy Nailinthehead, businesswoman and mother of

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September 21, 2013

UKIP conference “chaos” after Farage and Bloom revelations

by articulatedsheep

The UK Independence Party’s annual conference has descended into acrimony following a succession of revelations about leader Nigel Farage’s behaviour as a seventeen-year old, and off-colour comments made by UKIP MEP Godfrey Bloom.

Farage is alleged to have sung Hitler Youth songs when on a night exercise with his school’s Combined Cadet Force when in sixth form. A letter, written at the time by a teacher, has emerged expressing concern about his behaviour.

I done a guff

I done a guff

“This is astonishing.” said UKIP-watcher Rick Astley. “A lot of people will be shocked not only that Farage was once seventeen, but that he was seventeen in 1981.”

“This means that when the Sex Pistols released ‘God Save the Queen’, he was thirteen years old.”

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September 20, 2013

iPhone 5s and iPhone 5c “allow you to talk to yourself”

by philapilus
English: Left to right: iPhone, iPhone 3G, iPh...

The next strategy is to get everyone to buy three iPhones, so that you can picture message yourself a photo of the conversation you are having with yourself.

Apple said this morning that its two new versions of the iPhone are intended to be used simultaneously by a single user, to “replace all that messy business of thinking quietly in your own head”.

Tim Cook, CEO of Apple said, “I don’t know about you, but I get absolutely sick of trying to work stuff out in the suffocating, existential void of my inner mind. But now, by talking into one iPhone and listening to yourself with the other, you can bypass the whole ‘interior monologue’!”

The iPhone has been one of Apple’s flagship products since its introduction in 2007. Devoted fans hurriedly buy up the new versions that are released once every three weeks, to avoid the terrible solecism of

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