Daily Telegraph wins top toadying award

by philapilus


Steven Seagal at the Pollstar Awards in Februa...

Cameron is nearly this cool

The Daily Telegraph newspaper has this morning thrashed all the competition to take the prestigious ‘Arselicker of the Year’ press award.

The Torygraph, despite numerous entries from papers across the political spectrum, clinched the award at the last minute with today’s article showcasing beach-based snaps of David Cameron.

The article suggests readers listen to ‘Land of Hope and Glory’ whilst ogling the photos of a barechested Cameron striding manfully across England’s fair sands, enjoying a pint of British bitter, and flirtily pulling his pants off under a Mickey Mouse towel.

The comments section reveals that right-leaning housewives in their thousands, from all across the country, have set the washing machine to spin cycle, jumped on, and spent the morning playing flick-the-bean.

Mrs Tory Wright from Surrey commented “God I wish I was Mickey Mouse, GRRRRRR”, whilst Louise Mensch posted a picture of her soaked knickers on Twitter.

The article also entirely unironically likens Cameron to so-called ‘martial arts expert’ and ‘film-star’ Steven Seagal.

Although a minority of commentators have suggested this is in fact a sly way of gravely insulting the PM, it has been pointed out that the Telegraph’s enormous readership of Crispins and Tamaras don’t actually know who Seagal is, let alone that he is now large enough to merit his own zip code.

The award, a seven-foot high sculpture of a nose made out of freeze-dried human excrement, is due to be delivered to the Telegraph’s offices next week.


%d bloggers like this: