Batman to be retconned as annoying little shit

by philapilus
English: Ben Affleck at the 2008 World Series ...

Affleck is probably brilliant at this game, because no emotion ever flickers across the dumb, arse-like expanse of his face.

DC Comics revealed today that one of their top two characters, the Dark Knight himself, is going to be completely retconned as an annoying, self-obsessed dickwad.

As well as rebooting the comic-books to reflect this new direction, DC have also specially drafted in Ben Affleck to play Batman in the next Superman sequel.

Wendy Nailinthehead, spokesperson for DC Comics said “We’ve portrayed Batman pretty much every way possible, from the campness of Adam West, to the raw power of Christian Bale, the introversion of Michael Keaton to the comedically fatuous spin George Clooney gave him.

“We even gave Val Kilmer a shot for Chrissakes.

“What we have never done though, is had Bruce Wayne be a complete and utter arse, with an inane air of smug self-satisfaction, and a voice like a whining fuckwit.

“We were knocking the idea around the office, and someone said, ‘I know; what about making him a totally unlikeable knob?’

“We all agreed it could be interesting, but only if the actor we used was capable of being utterly convincing as a massive arse. Someone, I like to think it was me, suggested Ben, and that was it.”

The forthcoming sequel will feature Batman, who has always been ultra-cool, being a whiney shit, in order to make Superman, who has always been a bit naff, look more impressive.

Affleck’s agent said “Ben’s already working on getting into character. He has been sitting under a tree, all alone, writing down single words in his diary like ‘wave’ or ‘leaf’, then looking off into the sunset. Also he has been doing intense bendy yogic exercises, so that by the time the filming starts he will be able to get his entire head up his own rectum.”

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