Half of all UK 7-year-olds rolled to school

by philapilus
Young and Fat

Some children however are nowhere near as obese, such as this chap here, who gets bullied for being skinny.

A new study has revealed that around 50% of children have to be rolled to school by their parents, like a barrel or spare tyre, because they are too fat to walk.

Researchers at UCL discovered that record numbers of children across the country are getting pitifully little exercise, whilst simultaneously collectively consuming enough chips and fried chicken to capsize the Isle of Man.

Professor Hamish McEyebrau said “We’ve spent several months now, standing around outside schools, pissing ourselves laughing at all the little fatties bouncing along the pavement.

“It’s like someone’s dropped a huge bag of watermelons. This is definitely the most fun I have ever had at work.

“This one kid was so fat his entire head had sunk into his neck, and all you could see was his eyes poking over the top like a frog. It’s better than the circus.”

But apart from providing considerable amusement, the study has also revealed some serious and worrying developments of an unexpected nature.

Professor McEyebrau noticed bizarre anomalies in the vicinity of schools from about 9AM each day, when all the children had arrived, and consulted with physicist Stephen Hawking.

Hawking said “After analysing the data I was able to determine that the combined weight of all the little lardies was actually exerting a small but powerful gravitational field.

“This was capable of forcing nearby animals, small objects, and even some confused and elderly ladies, into an orbit from which they were unable to escape until after 3PM when the children were rolled home. It is fucking H I L A R I O U S. I put it on Youtube, seriously, go and see.”

The study has been hailed by the scientific community as ‘The funniest thing since the British Medical Journal’s meta-analyses of the last 100 years of things ER units have found in people’s anuses.’




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