Guardian thrilled at government interference

by philapilus


English: Auschwitz survivor Sam Rosenzweig dis...

The paper’s entire staff tattooed themselves with identification numbers this morning “Because this way *we* make *them* look stupid!”

The staff of the Guardian newspaper held a huge office party last night, after the Cabinet Secretary contacted the paper over leaked intelligence information linked to Edward Snowden.

Sir Jeremy Heywood was deputed by No 10 to make enquiries, after the Guardian published details of covert surveillance unearthed by the controversial Whistleblower Snowden.

Editor Peter Twatwhiner said today “We’re being persecuted! They’re gunning for us! We’re really getting to them! We’re so anti-establishment! Yeah!”

He proceeded gleefully to recall the event. “Sir Jeremy tried to come over all polite, with some piddling subterfuge about the nation’s security, but I saw right through him. I said ‘I suppose you want us lined up in the street with our hands in the air wearing yellow stars, you bastard?!’

“He said ‘No, of course not’ but I saw through that! Before he could even summon his army of goons (who were no doubt hiding somewhere), I had the whole staff outside with their hands up, wearing yellow stars I made on the colour copier, protesting about government repression. That showed him!”

This morning every piece in the Guardian, including the sports section and the horoscope, was one long crowing account of the paper’s firsthand experience of ‘tyrannical repression’.

Twatwhiner said “They asked us ‘politely’ to destroy computer hard drives. They pretended they only wanted a couple of files deleted, but I knew what they were really after, and beat them to it once again. Before ‘Sir Jeremy’ could stop me I smashed every single computer, desk, window and piece of personal property in the building, with a sledgehammer. Then I gave him a long slow look and said ‘Are you happy now?’ He was completely speechless.

“I got a cheer from the staff. It was sort of like Spartacus.” 

Unemployed ex-Guardian reader, Tim Twanks, said “Christ. I hate unlawful surveillance and government unaccountability as much as the next person, but when is the Guardian ever going to come out of its own arse?”

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