Birth of the Antichrist may be imminent

by philapilus
English: Satan as Antichrist

Strangely no one has ever really commented upon Cowell’s unusual means of transport to and from the TV studios

The Catholic Church warned this morning that there is a very real possibility that the Antichrist will soon be upon us.

Father Mario Carrta, of the Holy Church’s Committee for Debating the End of the World, said “The Holy Book tells us that in the End Times a beast will arise; noxious and perfidious beyond all imagination.

“And it will sire a son, who, through no fault of his own, will be the antithesis of all that is holy.

“It was thus with great horror and trepidation that the Committee discovered in the paper this morning that Simon Cowell will soon become a father.”

The Church believes the birth of Cowell’s son could be the calamity prophesied nearly two thousand years ago.

According to the Revelations of John ‘Bluntman’ of Patmos, “Verily In those times, a trumpet shall soundeth, and a grotesque, avaricious beast will arise, and holdeth the people in its thrall.

“Yea, it shall unleash upon the Earth wailing and shrieking sounds of hell, and the people, being under the power of the beast, shallt not fear the cacophony, nor repulsed shall they be.

“And they shall cry unto the beast ‘More, give us more!’ and voteth shallt they upon which hellish chorus of Beelzebub pleaseth them most, until the evil fills the empty space wherein their souls had resided before.

“And that beast shall father a son, and mold it in his image to continue his work. Yea, and then those with ears to hear and eyes to see shallt cry ‘Now we are proper fucked!'”

Monster-killer Dr Abraham Van Halen said “Our only chance to save the earth and prevent this child from fulfilling its destiny is to put a stake through Simon Cowell’s heart, cut off his head, and set fire to the remains on a bonfire made of every single or album in which Cowell has had any part.

“Then we must give the child to a human father to raise. Above all costs, it should never have to learn the horrors of its true lineage.”

Michael Wolgemut - Sermon of the Antichrist - ...

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