Blair: “I wish I’d thought of that”

by articulatedsheep

Watching footage of the Egyptian military brutally massacring protesters on his 64″ HD television at his well-appointed Islington home, former Prime Minister Tony Blair inwardly chastised himself for not thinking to use the same tactics to silence anti-war campaigners in 2003.

Bastard! BASTARD!

Bastard! BASTARD!

“I mean, it’s so obvious when you think about it,” he muttered to himself. “Send in some bulldozers, lay down some machine gun fire – problem solved.”

Blair, who welcomed the wresting of power from Mohammed Morsi by the Egyptian army some weeks ago, has been watching with increasing interest the scenes of bloodshed and carnage that have accompanied the country’s slow slide into inevitable anarchy and civil war.

“I could have done it to get one over Gordon.” Blair suggested to his wife Cherie later. “Just think about it. 2007: he’s pressurising me to resign, Balls and his cronies agitating from the wings. Why didn’t I just arrange to have them shot in their beds, and then declare a state of emergency that would have given me sole executive authority over everything?”

“I suppose you only get these ideas with the benefit of hindsight.” said Blair while absently chewing some cashew nuts.

The former Prime Minister is currently some kind of Middle East peace envoy, a task he squeezes in between acting as a spokesman for a variety of central Asian despots, and appearing on television to offer bad-tempered justifications for all the appalling things he did when he was allowed, for some reason, to govern the UK for ten whole years. He is now magnificently wealthy, which is in no way attributable to the fact that he is a hypocritical, grasping shit with an unbelievable and unwarranted sense of self-belief and no discernible moral compass.

“I suppose Robin Cook would have been all over me for it.” Blair mused, practising tennis moves on his Wii. “‘Oh, Tony, you can’t massacre hundreds of innocent civilians’ – God, what a bore he was. But you can’t make an omelette without breaking eggs, can you?”

Blair spent the rest of the evening with an A-Z of central London open in front of him, looking at Hyde Park and seeing how he could have tactically sent in APCs and tanks to neutralise the protests which in March 2003 saw almost a million people take to the streets. “If only, Tony,” he reportedly said, wistfully shaking his head. “If only.”




%d bloggers like this: