Putin “straightest man alive”

by philapilus
English: TOKYO. President Putin on a tatami at...

No one else is anywhere near as good at tugging other men about and holding them down

Vladimir Putin reaffirmed yesterday that he is, and has always been, “A massive, massive pussyhound, with no gay feelings whatsoever.”.

Putin was speaking at a press conference in defence of Russia’s anti-gay ‘propaganda’ laws, after protestors around the world called for the Winter Olympics to be held in a country where gay people don’t get the shit kicked out of them with the approval of the state.

Surrounded by large, burly secret service men with big weapons in their pockets, Putin was forthright in blaming homosexuality for unemployment, Russia’s economic backwardness, and rainclouds.

“Let not us forget is called Mother Russia, a woman, and as most heterosexual of all Russian man I like only to put my penis in daughters of Mother Russia” Putin said, “It is very big, and hard only for women.”

He went on to praise Russia’s culture of heterosexual role models, saying “Russian men are best in world. We have mining, where big strong men together burrowing in tunnels. We have heavy industry, with men getting very hot use their tools together to make hard Russian steel.

“We have many submarine with men alone together for months, practising deep penetration and polishing torpedos. We are not the nancyboys like other countries.”

Putin (whose proverbial straightness is exemplified in every area of his life, from his passion for wrestling other men in pyjamas, to riding around on a horse topless, posing for photos) said that the winter Olympics would be a fantastic opportunity to showcase how macho and completely non-bent Russia is, through their continued excellence in figure-skating.

Civil rights spokesperson, Percy Spoke, said “Generally speaking it’s people who are completely obsessed with certain forms of sex, and are overwhelmed by emotions they wish to repress, who get so worked up about banning those forms. People who are actually comfortable in their sexuality tend not to care what other individuals choose to do with their genitals.”

But he’s probably a massive gaylord, so just ignore him.

English: Vladimir Putin and Gerhard Schroeder

He’s definitely not thinking about a threesome

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