John Gulager to direct ‘Pacu 3D’

by philapilus
Australian author and feminist Germaine Greer ...

The pacu’s pursed lips conceal a deadly set of razor-sharp teeth

It was confirmed this morning that the unprecedented appearance in Swedish waters of the testicle-eating pacu fish will be the subject of John Gulager’s next aquatic-based movie.

The South American pacu is known as the ‘ball-cutter’, a fearsome name derived from its reputation for severing more testicles with its teeth than Germaine Greer. Its discovery in Sweden has caused terror amongst the Scandinavian male skinny-dipping communities, but has also profoundly amused women everywhere.

Gulager,  renowned auteur and director of such cinematic masterpieces as Piranha 3DD, Feast, Feast 2, Feast 3, Feast 4, and basically Feasts 5 through 11, said “People looked at Piranha 3DD and some just saw sexy, buxom women, with big melons bouncing gratuitously around in tight bikinis.

“But others realised the profounder philosophical subtext. Honestly, I’m not about the bouncing bosoms at all. I really have a genuine interest in the macrocosmic exploration of man’s existential condition through the metaphor of the underwater world. And jiggling titties.”

Gulager explained that his script involved lots of attractive Scandinavian men in water, their knackers bouncing around in tight Speedos or floating commando-free, being unmanned by the deadly fish in various ploddingly predictable scenarios.

And, for artistic reasons, there will also be a lot of sex.

Gulager said “I imagine this film about piscine castration will appeal strongly to my particular niche market, the single, unattractive men in their late 20s who so enjoyed the intellectual tour de force of Piranha 3DD.

“It’s very much the same demographic who watch Attenborough’s Blue Planet, or Jacques Cousteau’s The Silent World.”

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