Up-themselves world leaders moonlight as up-themselves taxi-drivers

by philapilus
A typical London Taxi.

Apparently Maggie Thatcher took absolutely ages to get you to your destination, because she point-blank refused to make any turns.

After prime minister of Norway, Jens Stoltenberg, made the surprising admission on Sunday that he secretly drove a cab, many other world leaders have ‘come out’ and spoken about their double lives as taxi-drivers.

Stoltenberg said yesterday “I’ve spent years reading in the papers about what cabbies are up to, their various driving policies, and their heated debates over the best routes to take.

“I’ll be the first to admit I’m not exactly a qualified taxi-driver – I mean, I only run Norway – but I felt sure that I could do it just as well as them, and that if only more cabbies listened to the average, Joe Normal world leader like me, our taxis could be better run, more efficient, and also there wouldn’t be all these foreigners over here taking our jobs.”

The Norwegian PM also hinted that he was not the only international statesman to have ferried passengers around for cash. Since when several other leaders have admitted to clandestine cabbying.

David Cameron said this morning he loved nothing better than “Driving posh folk around in my Rolls, doffing my cap and touching my forelock. Which it turns out, by the way, is on your head. Gosh, that was an embarrassing moment…” whilst US President Barack Obama plead guilty to “Driving a pimped-up Hummer for hire, yo, picking up gangsta mofos and driving them to work at the record studios.

“And so forth.”

Xi Jinping told China’s press agencies that he frequently took tourists around Beijing on the back of his rickshaw, and enjoyed the opportunity to fleece ignorant Westerners of half their holiday money for a seven-minute ride up the road.

Silvio Berlusconi meanwhile was outed by a former aide, as being the shady, unlicensed gondolier who preyed on lone female tourists, offering them “Special guided tours of Venice” before sexually assaulting them.

It is alleged he was behind the spate of lecherous incidents which led to the Venetian advertising campaign ‘Want to know how much an unlicensed gondolier costs? Just ask a victim of sleazy sexual advances.’

Unemployed taxi-driver Tim Twanks said “There’s probably a joke in there somewhere along the lines of “You’ll never guess who I had in the front of my cab the other day”, but I can’t honestly be bothered to make it.”

%d bloggers like this: