Astley bidding to buy Elgin Marbles

by articulatedsheep

In the wake of last week’s news that American songstress Kelly Clarkson was attempting to buy a ring owned by Jane Austen, it has emerged that 80s pop sensation Rick Astley is in the advanced stages of a deal that will see him take the Elgin Marbles out of the country.

Waterman: "to blame"

Waterman: “to blame”

The marbles – a collection of marble sculptures from the Acropolis in Athens which were appropriated by Great Britain at the start of the nineteenth century – have been one of the British Museum’s prize exhibits for nearly two hundred years. Speaking to reporters, a shamefaced Neil MacGregor, Director of the museum, said, “He made us a financial offer we simply couldn’t refuse.”

Astley, reputed to be the second richest man in the world after TV funnyman Russ Abbott, has promised £11 billion to the museum in exchange for the marbles. The Government has looked for assurances that once purchased they will remain on public display, but Astley has instead advised that he intends to grind the marbles down into tiny pieces to use as hardcore for a new drive he is having built on the approach to his palatial mansion in Beverley Hills.

The former Stock Aitken and Waterman product is worth an estimated £891 billion, and his financial tendrils are spread throughout the world via a complex web of trusts and shell companies.

“Astley has decided to devote his life, and his vast personal wealth, to buying up objects of huge historical and cultural significance and then destroying them,” said ‘art’ ‘critic’ Brian Sewell. “It is all part of his unswerving plan to destroy all forms of human art by the year 2070, so that by that point the only cultural artefact left in existence will be a single copy of his smash 1987 hit album, ‘Whenever You Need Somebody;’.”

The Government is currently trying to resist the grant of an export licence to Astley, although the fact that the singer-songwriter has enough ready cash to buy the entire United Kingdom several times over is making this process difficult. Decisive, no-nonsense Labour leader Ed Miliband has challenged Astley to a fistfight to decide the fate of the precious antiquities, but the enigmatic middle-of-the-road troubador has so far demurred.

In a short statement, Astley said. “I am entirely single-minded about this aim. I wish there was some way that I could explain this, but until someone writes a song setting out their especially strong devotion to a person or thing, outlining the many ways in which he refused to give it up, a song which I could then sing, that will sadly be impossible.”

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