Rees-Mogg “regrets” headlining ATP

by articulatedsheep
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Rees-Mogg: “grew up on a Glasgow sink estate”

Jacob Rees-Mogg has said that he “profoundly regrets” an error of judgment which saw him headline the ATP festival last week. 

The MP, who represents the constituency of 1936 in the Commons, told reporters that he had been wholly unaware that ATP was “thronged with hipsters”, thinking that it was a group of like-minded Conservative voters with a hankering for traditional values. His “set” consisted of a one hour thirty five minute speech outlining the political ramifications of the Treaty of Utrecht on animal husbandry in the Welsh Marches, and was described by attendees as “fucked up”.

ATP is a large group of poseurs drifting about in a holiday camp in Essex, all of them weighed down by their own crushing sense of self-importance. Recent posts on the ATP Facebook page – which is now infrequently updated given that its administrators feel that “Facebook basically jumped the shark in early 2007 when everyone came on it” – suggest that Mr. Rees=-Mogg was invited because it was thought that it would be ironic, although no further explanation of what that actually means has been forthcoming.

Mr. Rees-Mogg was informed that ATP was an event for hipsters the night before he was due to attend, but felt unable to pull out because he had given an undertaking to go.

“Since attending,” the MP told reporters, “I have found out that those involved with this event hold to some of the most sickening, objectionable views imaginable. Many have asymmetric haircuts and wear small hats. While there, one person told me, apropos of very little, that “Glastonbury has been shit since 1995, it was fine before that but then it started getting really corporate because a load of kids started going”. These are not views which I support or condone.”

Mr. Rees-Mogg concluded his comments by saying, “We should give these people short shrift – just as I have suggested in the Commons that we do to the territorial ambitions of Herr Hitler in the Sudetenland.”

Speaking on Newsnight, a spokesman for ATP said, “Asymmetric haircuts? What is this, 2005? Jesus.”

 

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