‘New look’ Washington Post to arrive late in damaged cardboard package

by philapilus

 

Amazon Box Damage

The newspaper will now arrive in a box that has been specially designed to fall apart during delivery

The Washington Post will from now on arrive several days after it is meant to, will be severely torn by your postman as he tries to force it through the letterbox, and will finally be dumped unceremoniously behind your recycling bin.

The changes to the paper’s distribution were announced this morning, after it was bought by Amazon boss, Jeff Bezos, for $250m.

WP chief executive, Donald Graham, said “This has been a family business for decades.

“We have always said that it was paramount to us, as stewards of the paper, to see that it goes to a decent new proprietor who will treat it with the respect it deserves.

“But then Jeff offered us this fuck-off massive cheque, and we decided ‘Yeah, actually it’s not important at all’.”

Bezos has announced that as well as ensuring every copy of the paper is at least partially damaged during distribution, he will also personally see to it that at least 50% of the time the paper will not be delivered at all, and instead you will just get a ‘We called while you were out’ card.

Even if you were in.

The card will direct you to pick up your copy of the paper from a sorting office miles from where you live, at an unbelievably inconvenient time, such as between 1:30AM and 1:34AM on a Thursday night.

But only on a Thursday when it’s a full moon.

And snowing.

Washington Post editor Amy Hack said “The good thing is we no longer have to pay any tax, because we are now going to be redesignated as a delivery fulfilment service.

“We are actually based on a small privately owned Carribbean island, which is obviously where all our actual work will be done by our huge team of seven people; myself, Jeff, and five servants.

“Sorry, I’m off bikini shopping now. Bye!”

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