Archive for August, 2013

August 29, 2013

Cameron: ‘We must intervene before they use chemical weapons again’

by philapilus

‘Hide in your bunker all you want; you are still utterly fucked’

David Cameron has told an emergency session of the House of Commons this morning that military intervention is completely justified, after inspectors “found conclusive evidence that chemical weapons have been deployed”.

The prime minister told a hushed audience of MPs that “We will no longer watch idly as this nefarious enemy of freedom utilises internationally banned methods of assault.

“Too long have our cows been subjected to virulent TB. Too long have we listened to liberal pussyfooters. And that is why I am standing by the environment secretary, Owen Paterson, and declaring that the pilot badger-culling schemes will now be rolled out nationwide. – effective immediately.”

The question of

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August 23, 2013

Daily Telegraph wins top toadying award

by philapilus


Steven Seagal at the Pollstar Awards in Februa...

Cameron is nearly this cool

The Daily Telegraph newspaper has this morning thrashed all the competition to take the prestigious ‘Arselicker of the Year’ press award.

The Torygraph, despite numerous entries from papers across the political spectrum, clinched the award at the last minute with today’s article showcasing beach-based snaps of David Cameron.

The article suggests readers listen to ‘Land of Hope and Glory’ whilst ogling the photos of a barechested Cameron striding manfully across England’s fair sands, enjoying a

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August 23, 2013

Batman to be retconned as annoying little shit

by philapilus
English: Ben Affleck at the 2008 World Series ...

Affleck is probably brilliant at this game, because no emotion ever flickers across the dumb, arse-like expanse of his face.

DC Comics revealed today that one of their top two characters, the Dark Knight himself, is going to be completely retconned as an annoying, self-obsessed dickwad.

As well as rebooting the comic-books to reflect this new direction, DC have also specially drafted in Ben Affleck to play Batman in the next Superman sequel.

Wendy Nailinthehead, spokesperson for DC Comics said “We’ve portrayed Batman pretty much every way possible, from the campness of Adam West, to the raw power of Christian Bale, the introversion of Michael Keaton to the comedically fatuous spin George Clooney gave him.

“We even

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August 22, 2013

Half of all UK 7-year-olds rolled to school

by philapilus
Young and Fat

Some children however are nowhere near as obese, such as this chap here, who gets bullied for being skinny.

A new study has revealed that around 50% of children have to be rolled to school by their parents, like a barrel or spare tyre, because they are too fat to walk.

Researchers at UCL discovered that record numbers of children across the country are getting pitifully little exercise, whilst simultaneously collectively consuming enough chips and fried chicken to capsize the Isle of Man.

Professor Hamish McEyebrau said “We’ve spent several months now, standing around outside schools, pissing ourselves laughing at all the little fatties bouncing along the pavement.

“It’s like someone’s dropped a huge bag of watermelons. This is

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August 21, 2013

Guardian thrilled at government interference

by philapilus


English: Auschwitz survivor Sam Rosenzweig dis...

The paper’s entire staff tattooed themselves with identification numbers this morning “Because this way *we* make *them* look stupid!”

The staff of the Guardian newspaper held a huge office party last night, after the Cabinet Secretary contacted the paper over leaked intelligence information linked to Edward Snowden.

Sir Jeremy Heywood was deputed by No 10 to make enquiries, after the Guardian published details of covert surveillance unearthed by the controversial Whistleblower Snowden.

Editor Peter Twatwhiner said today “We’re being persecuted! They’re gunning for us! We’re really getting to them! We’re so anti-establishment! Yeah!”

He proceeded gleefully to

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August 21, 2013

Birth of the Antichrist may be imminent

by philapilus
English: Satan as Antichrist

Strangely no one has ever really commented upon Cowell’s unusual means of transport to and from the TV studios

The Catholic Church warned this morning that there is a very real possibility that the Antichrist will soon be upon us.

Father Mario Carrta, of the Holy Church’s Committee for Debating the End of the World, said “The Holy Book tells us that in the End Times a beast will arise; noxious and perfidious beyond all imagination.

“And it will sire a son, who, through no fault of his own, will be the antithesis of all that is holy.

“It was thus with great horror and trepidation that the Committee discovered in the paper this morning that Simon Cowell will

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August 20, 2013

Cameron “thinking of nuking Spain and Argentina”

by philapilus
David Cameron at the 37th G8 Summit in Deauvil...

Seriously, just you fucking dare…

David Cameron is said to be on the verge of “bombing the shit out of Spain And Argentina, if they don’t shut up about our overseas territories”, after suffering severe backache during his holiday in Jura.

The prime minister said he had seen a doctor and been told he had a protruding disc, which may require a painkilling epidural injection.

“I’m basically a ball of pain and rage at the minute,” Cameron told the BBC, “I have a phenomenally bad back, and it’s a bore. Plus I’ve just been told they might stick a sodding giant needle into my fucking spine! 

“If any

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August 20, 2013

Miranda’s detainment at Heathrow “legally sound”

by philapilus

Despite being “Baffled, terrified and shellshocked”, Miranda’s audience continue to tune in, week after week.

Scotland Yard has said that its decision to detain Miranda Hart at Heathrow under the terms of the terroism act was “legally sound”.

The acclaimed comedian was held for nine hours on Sunday, during which she claims she was intimidated by police and treated like a criminal, despite having done nothing wrong.

Ms Hart said she was “confused and frightened” by the ordeal, and had additionally

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August 19, 2013

Diana “murdered” by RNLI

by philapilus
English: Wee Jimmy Krankie (left) and Jimmy Kr...

They’ve never actually said they *didn’t* do it…

Fresh claims about the death of Diana Princess of Wales emerged this morning, linking her fatal car crash in a Parisian tunnel to the shady Royal National Lifeboat Institution.

As the Daily Express entered Day 5832 of it’s cover-to-cover daily coverage of the aftermath of Diana’s death, it revealed this shocking new allegation, made by an un-named informant.

Editor Mike Ock said “Our secret source, told us – secretly and anonymously – that in 2002 he met a bloke in the pub who after eight pints loosened up and told him the secret of the century; Diana was secretly

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August 18, 2013

HS2 “will cost a millionty billion pounds”: think tank

by articulatedsheep

The free-market think tank the Institute for Economic Affairs (IEA) has released a comprehensive report demonstrating that the high-speed rail line connecting London, Birmingham, Leeds and Manchester will cost “squillions”.

Littlewood: "studied PPE at Oxford, so knows what he's talking about"

Littlewood: “studied PPE at Oxford, so knows what he’s talking about”

“Yep, it’ll cost £50 billion at least.” the IEA’s Head of Back-Of-Envelope-Sums, Mark Littlewood, told reporters. “Did I say fifty? I meant eighty. Five. Eighty five. Thousand. Eighty five thousand billion. Million. Eighty five thousand million billion. Definitely.”

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