Reason for jump in economic growth revealed

by articulatedsheep

The reason for the huge spike in Britain’s economic growth in the last quarter has been revealed. 

Between April and June, the economy grew by a staggering 0.000001%. As a result, a swaggering George Osborne appeared on BBC Breakfast last week to say, “Basically, we’re the best, and Labour are shit. If we keep this level of growth up, the economy will be back to 2007 levels in 2178.” 

Ed Balls, meanwhile, has spent the last week locked naked in a cupboard, emitting huge, gulping sobs of shame and regret. 

Telegraph "must be kept in fridge for safety reasons", WH Smith insists

Telegraph “must be kept in fridge for safety reasons”, WH Smith insists

It has, however, now been revealed that the reason for the positive news on growth is the purchase in the Leeds Station branch of WH Smiths of a Twix, and a bottle of Buxton Spring Water, along with a complimentary copy of the Daily Telegraph. 

As part of the same transaction, a customer also took the opportunity of buying a large bar of Dairy Milk for £1, after being pestered to do so twice by the sales assistant. It is understood that this particular purchase tipped the economy into positive growth. 

“This just goes to show that consumer confidence is on the up,” said Vince Cable, struggling to stop laughing. “Under Labour, would this person have made the crucial decision to spend £1 on a chocolate bar – essentially on a whim? Or would they have decided to hang onto that money, for fear that they would need it later if their house were broken into and everything of value stolen by Ed Balls? And I don’t even mean that metaphorically.”

Labour, however, have dismissed the good news as “classic Tory spin”. “The fact is that this is the wrong type of growth,” said thrusting, dynamic sexpot Ed Miliband. “Do we want to live in an economy driven by the spur-of-the-moment purchase of milk chocolate? No. No, we do not. We want one driven by more manufacturing jobs and a stronger construction sector. I mean, I can’t tell you exactly how Labour would bring either of those things about, but I’m sure that once we get into power we’ll have lots of big meetings about it and write some important-sounding strategies, which is half the battle.”

 

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