Resurgent Britain to re-take ex-imperial domains

by philapilus
English: Market stall, High Cross Headgear and...

New research shows that if the world was a luxury shopping mall, Britain would be the market stall outside.

With the birth of the royal baby only hours away, victory in the Ashes, Murray’s Wimbledon win, and a Brit coming first in the Tour de France for the second year running, Britain has announced that once again it is the best country in the entire world.

Prime minister David Cameron said this morning “In consultation with Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II, I have decided that, basically, we are just brilliant again. Seriously, we effing rule.

“Because of this, Britain will be re-colonising all previously held lands around the globe, and the empire will be completely reinstated. Probably by about thursday teatime, because we are, as they say, having a roll! Oh, really? Ok; because we are on a roll, then.”

Unemployed jingoist commenter, Tim Twanks, commented “We’re the best! Rule Britannia, Britannia rules the waves! Not literally of course, but, well, you know. The point is; we’re amazing! The envy of the world!”

The rest of the world was less enthused however, and collectively sent Britain a note saying “Get over yourself and calm the fuck down. You’ll be back to months of incessant rain and getting screwed by your bankers in about three weeks time, so just enjoy your moment in the sun and shut up.”

UN Secretary-General Ban Ki-moon said “Britain is a bit like a distinctly average child who flukes 10/10 on a spelling test at school for the first time, and then thinks it is cleverer than anyone else who has ever lived.

“Whereas in actual fact you are mindlessly obsessed with dull-witted celebrities, are virtually bankrupt, and have frighteningly high statistics for alcoholism, violence, and alcohol-fuelled violence.

“Oh, and apparently 4% of you would give up the right to vote rather than lose Freeview. But, you know, sure, You’re Great. Whatever.”

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