Cigarettes ‘less harmful’ when sold in attractive packets

by philapilus
English: Camel cigarettes. Warning signs on Ci...

The camel picture wards off sickness and death, and makes smoking these cigarettes almost as good for you as a healthy morning jog


The government has today defended its decision to defer introducing mandatory plain packaging for cigarettes, citing new evidence proving that cigarettes are 123% healthier when the packets have adverts on.

The conservatives were initially in favour of Department of Health recommendations to cut smoking rates through banning attractive packaging.

But a report commissioned by Health Secretary Jeremy Hunt suggests that a plain white packet bearing the legend “These will kill you, you moron” is much more likely to give you lung cancer, and significantly increases the chances of all your children dying from passive smoking.

Mr Hunt said “This is not a U-turn in the face of powerful opposition from the cigarette industry.

“Nor is it anything to do with the fact that our election campaign manager, Lynton Crosby, runs a lobbying firm which has been retained by British American Tobacco.

“This is about keeping the British people healthy. Did you know that a plain packet of fags contains almost five times as many… um… as many, you know, cancery-making… um…bits? Well it does.”

The report has not been released for public scrutiny, though one source who claims to have caught a glimpse of it alleges that it was written in crayon on the back of a cigarette packet.

Ed Miliband said “This report is bollocks! This U-turn, this grovelling before the filthy tobacco industry, is exactly the sort of thing that Labour would never dream of doing if we were in power. 

“You didn’t just film me say that did you? Um, please don’t tell British American Tobacco I said that. Please? I’ll give you this nice cigar if you promise to cut that bit out? Oh god, this is live…?!”

Mark Markson, president of Smoker Till I Die (Early), said “I like smoking. I know its bad for me, but I am what’s technically called ‘grown up’ and can make what’s technically called ‘my own decision’.

“I couldn’t give a monkey’s whether or not the packet is a pretty colour, just give me the fucking cigarettes ok?

“Is anybody honestly worried that British 18 year olds are going to stop smoking if the packet doesn’t have squiggly writing on? None of them can read anyway.”



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