Majority of offspring born into unholy bastardy

by philapilus
Sarah Bernhardt, 1877

When young ladies dress so improperly, and in such slatternly attire, is it any wonder that the over-amorous bestiality of the working class man is provoked, resulting in such abhorrent incidences of bastardy? ‘No!’ this reporter resoundingly opines, ‘No!’

Shocking though this will be to the numerous gentlemen (and the somewhat fewer literate ladies) who read this fine news organ, we must report that within as short a period as three years, more infants will be born out of wedlock than within the sanctity of that favoured bond.

Yes, dear readers, by 2016 AD urchin bastards will outnumber those of our offspring born into respectable marriage! Pre-marital relations abound in this lascivious era.

Your reporter is loath to shock with such an explicit story of news, and far be it from us to discuss intercourse, unless it be the gay, carefree intercourse enjoyed gaily over the post-prandial drawing room cigar, amongst other gay, smiling gentlemen.

But though items of a sexual nature are not to be shared in polite company, this news paper must cry ‘For shame!’ at the provoking facts of the decline of marital fidelity and concord.

Mr Timothy T Twanks Esq (54), a gentleman of fine standing, said to your faithful reporter “These are appalling times of moral desuetude in which we live, sir, appalling.

“Were that the lower classes were not of such plebian, heathen stock, breeding like animals with no thought of matrimonial union before God and man!!

“It seems now that any chambermaid will reach but her fifteenth year, and lo! Her skirts will raise for the first young wastrel that comes her way, and a ninemonth will pass and another bastard is expelled out into the world, by gad!”

As he continued about his business, Mr Twanks was heard to utter “I wish I had seen a girl’s petticoats when I was 15, verily this is most unfair.”

Mr Steve Dore, a stevedore from the docks, said “Well blimey guv’nor, I got three little ones by three different wenches, and I’m blowed if they’ll get a shilling of my pay!”

With such a failure of the lower classes to provide upstanding patriarchal example, no wonder the Empire crumbles around us. Send these illegitimates to the workhouse, this news paper insists! And send the homosexual deviants to the gallows!

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