Office workers panic over threat of accurate clock

by philapilus

pleasingly vague

Half-arsed employees around the world were terrorstruck today, at the revelation that scientists have developed a superclock, which is accurate to a factor of one lost second every 300 million years.

Tim Twanks, a previously unemployed unemployment statistics clerk, said “Jesus Christ! This is a nightmare! With normal clocks, when the minute hand gets vaguely near 12 – any time from, say, quarter-to onwards – you can just say ‘oh from the angle I was sitting at it looked like it was hometime’, and bugger off.

“But with this new laser-clock I am actually going to have to stay till 5:00. Every day!

Data entry entryer, Wendy Nailinthehead, said “Every morning in the office we put the clock forward, so we can leave for our breaks ten minutes early. Then at the end of the day the last one out puts it backwards a bit, so we can get away with coming in late the next day. It is a fucking great system.

“Now they’re talking about a clock that tells the right time, all the time, for all time? Those of us who don’t get immediately fired for poor attendance will soon die off from overworking. Or what manual labourers call ‘working’.

“Do I look like a labourer to you?! If I have to work more then a six hour day I’ll die!”

Inventor of the optical lattice clock, Professor Hamish McEyebrau said “Accurate timekeeping will allow us to make ever-greater discoveries about the universe, from measuring the speed of the fastest particle to that of the slowest expanding galaxy.

“But mostly I am just fucking pissed off with my lab assistant turning up late and saying his alarm clock was wrong. Well, not any more, Stefan!

“Lazy fucker.”

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