News Briefs: John Paul II to be canonised this year

by philapilus

03/07/2013

English: Pope John Paul II on 12 August 1993 i...

It is said that the Saints have the ear of God himself. It might be time for the Lord to think about asking for it back…

The Vatican has confirmed that former pontiff, John Paul II, is likely to be declared a saint before the end of 2013, after the Congregation for the Causes of Saints ruled he had performed several miracles.

Vatican spokesman, Mario Spaghetti, said “John Paul II was an enormously successful pope, and a worker of great miraculous acts.

“Not only did his pontificate see the Divinely Mysterious Disappearance of the Vatican Millions, he also performed the Miracle of the Quieting of the Children, whereby lots of lying kids the world over were prevented for years from spreading their lying lies about us.

“Obviously that one was a sort of ‘temporary’ miracle, in that now everyone’s heard the lies, but he did really well in holding back the storm of lying for so long.  

“Anyway I never touched those boys, that’s a total lie. Bloody vindictive little fibbing sods.”

Spaghetti added “Not only did he perform mystical miracles, but he also collected two out of the four Beatles’ names, and was working on becoming ‘John Paul Ringo’ right up to the time of his death.

“In honour of his efforts, he is likely to be canonised as Saint John Paul Ringo George (Stuart Pete) I. We think he would have got there on his own if he had lived another twenty years.”

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