Britain to field pub-based sociopaths as new army

by philapilus
Oldbury Road, Smethwick - England and UK flags

“They’re not exactly hard to find, either”


Defence Secretary Philip Hammond is introducing bold new measures, which will see Britain’s professional armed forces gradually replaced with a much cheaper assortment of frequently-inebriated Territorial Army nutters.

Mr Hammond, taking a break from his Top Gear presenting duties, said today “You know those really aggressive guys from the pub? The ones who sit at the bar wearing combat trousers and a Union Jack vest, frightening the barmaids, and aggressively threatening new customers?

“I thought it would be brilliant if, instead of fielding elite, highly-trained soldiers, we just rounded up a bunch of unhinged TA reservists, handed them each a can of K cider and a broken bottle, and let them loose on any country that pisses us off.”

The Territorial Army was formed in 1908, to enable the government to keep tabs on those members of the population who have a large collection of dangerous knives, and subscribe to magazines that give you one bit of a thousand-piece battleship model each month.

Mr Hammond said “These maladjusted men are actually a great resource. When you think about it, tanks, guns, body-armour and high-powered explosives are very, very expensive, and not very media-friendly.

“Whereas rounding up a bunch of nutters, who are basically half a step away from incarceration, and sending them overbroad to vent their aggression on a bunch of darkies you don’t know, is obviously much better. I’m saving money, and making our streets safer.”

The defence secretary added “This has absolutely nothing to do with my abject terror of working class men, or my suspicion that their penises are frighteningly large and remind you of school when everyone in the showers laughed and said it was tiny, but my mum promised it would grow one day.

“If you’re listening mummy, you’re a bloody liar.”

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