Archive for July 3rd, 2013

July 3, 2013

News Briefs: John Paul II to be canonised this year

by philapilus

03/07/2013

English: Pope John Paul II on 12 August 1993 i...

It is said that the Saints have the ear of God himself. It might be time for the Lord to think about asking for it back…

The Vatican has confirmed that former pontiff, John Paul II, is likely to be declared a saint before the end of 2013, after the Congregation for the Causes of Saints ruled he had performed several miracles.

Vatican spokesman, Mario Spaghetti, said “John Paul II was an enormously successful pope, and a worker of great miraculous acts.

“Not only did his pontificate see the Divinely Mysterious Disappearance of the Vatican Millions, he also performed the Miracle of the Quieting of the Children, whereby

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July 3, 2013

Advertisement: fun kid’s colouring-in book!

by unpseudable

Do your kids of 5 to 8 years of age like fun pictures?

Do your grandchildren just love colouring in?

Are your nephews or nieces totally addicted to the most horrifically violent 18-rated horror films?

Well, Yeah!

Then come on down to Tesco and buy your disturbed youngsters the Colour Me Good (Arrggghhhh) colouring-in book!

With pictures of your little darlings’ favourite fun and lovable horror characters, including Freddy Krueger from ‘Nightmare on Elm Street’, and Carrie from ‘Carrie’, your little ones will be amused for hours, and primed for hideous acts of violence of their own, we’re sure!

Just don’t forget to stock up on lots of red ink!

July 3, 2013

Britain to field pub-based sociopaths as new army

by philapilus
Oldbury Road, Smethwick - England and UK flags

“They’re not exactly hard to find, either”

03/07/2013

Defence Secretary Philip Hammond is introducing bold new measures, which will see Britain’s professional armed forces gradually replaced with a much cheaper assortment of frequently-inebriated Territorial Army nutters.

Mr Hammond, taking a break from his Top Gear presenting duties, said today “You know those really aggressive guys from the pub? The ones who sit at the bar wearing combat trousers and a Union Jack vest, frightening the barmaids, and aggressively threatening new customers?

“I thought it would be brilliant if, instead of fielding elite, highly-trained soldiers, we just rounded up a bunch of unhinged TA reservists, handed them each a can of K cider and a broken bottle, and let them loose on any country that pisses us off.”

The Territorial Army was

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