Cameron ‘powerless’ to cancel deliveries of caviar

by philapilus


English: Gold bars created by Agnico-Eagle

“Would you like a cherry on top of that, sir?”

It has emerged today that the prime minister is unable to prevent the recommendations of the Independent Parliamentary Standards Authority that MPs “Should help themselves to basically anything they want.”

Ipsa, which was set up in the aftermath of the expenses scandal, says that the only way to stop MPs stealing public money, is to give them a whopping 15% pay-hike, taking a backbencher’s salary to nearly £75k.

David Cameron has strongly criticised the rise in salaries, on the grounds that he had been hoping the public might forget just what greedy shits MPs are.

He is expected to say today, however, that despite being the most powerful man in the country, he can’t do anything about it.

A No. 10 spokesman said “Obviously the prime minister is wholly against this recommendation, in these times of austerity. Wholly against it.

“But unfortunately he will be completely unable to prevent people – many of whom quite coincidentally happen to be his friends – from getting huge amounts of money, while the rest of you eat grass in your unsightly hovels.

“He’s sorry, but his hands are tied. With a beautiful ceremonial rope spun from pure gold.”

Professor Hamish McEyebrau, head of politics at the Slough School of Sheep-shearing, said “Ipsa had YouGov conduct an anonymous survey of MPs, which revealed that they wanted a lot more money. So they’re going to recommend they get it.

“It’s sort of like the police catching a gang of bank robbers, then offering to pay for a getaway cab, and carrying the moneyfor them.”

Tory MP Sir Mike Hunt said “If you compare us to brain surgeons, Saudi royals and elite rockstars, you will find that we are still hugely underpaid. When is this country going to wake up and realise that ownership of a gold-plated duck house is a vital necessity for enhancing one’s ability to provide good governance?”

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