Players blame ‘Somme-like’ Wimbledon

by philapilus

 27/06/2013

German dead in a captured trench

Another ranking player drops out

Playing tennis at Wimbledon yesterday was likened to suffering the hell of First World War trench combat, after a day which saw the flower of tennis youth brutally cut down.

As some of the world’s most notable players crashed out of the tournament, there was unanimous criticism of the grass courts.

Maria Sharapova said “My three falls were due to a very nasty case of trench foot, caused by Wimbledon’s appalling conditions. Centre court is almost exactly like the Somme was a century ago.”

Steve Darcis, who defeated Rafael Nadal on Monday, pulled out yesterday, blaming “The splintered, broken surface of this shell-pocked landscape; the No-man’s land of the Service Box, the squalor of the trenches on the Baseline. It’s the hell of mechanised, modern tennis-warfare.”

French hopeful Jo-Wilfried Tsonga said “The net is exactly like the cruelly savage barbed wire that they have in all those moving, eerie photographs of the Great War. It’s just like Blackadder.”

Players also cited the poison gas rolling down from the Scotch-egg eating crowd on Murray Mound as “Severely disrupting”.

Fans meanwhile are hoping that the enormous casualties suffered by all sides in the bloody conflict might finally result in a victory for British hopeful Andy Murray. But experts say that basically even if he’s playing an opponent swathed in bloody bandages and resting on crude crutches, he’ll still lose.

Wimbledon spokesperson, Percy Spoke, said “This whining from serious, professional players is ridiculous. When Fred Perry won here, centre court was a fricking meadow, and they had to use their heavy racquets as scythes to cut through the swathes of shoulder-high grass. Most of the tournament was spent trying to find the bloody balls.

“Seriously people; man the fuck up.”

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