British museum launches “gay guide” to its collections

by articulatedsheep

The British Museum has launched a guide to what it considers to be the homosexual elements in its treasure trove of ancient artefacts.

BM’s Director of Old Stuff, Augustus Optimus-Prime, said, “We were keen to explore gay themes in our collections, but given that most of our curatorial staff are poorly socialised and only dimly aware of sex as a concept, we felt we needed to pass the responsibility to an external expert.”



“We’re delighted to find as a result of this exercise that far more of what is currently on public display is gay than we had previously thought.”

The job of analysing gay elements of various works in the Museum, and subsequently recording an audio commentary based on this work, fell to Charles Bright and Dominic Pilbeam, two fifteen year old 4th year pupils at Westminster School.

“Everything here is massively gay.” Pilbeam says in the introduction to the audio guide. “Seriously. There’s this one room that’s just full of men with their cocks out. Megagay. It’s like, all the people who were making statues in ancient Greece or wherever had this big meeting and said, ‘How can we make our statues as epically gay as possible’ and one of them said, ‘Let’s do statues of muscly men, only let’s also make their cocks tiny.”

“Yeah, I saw you were pretty disappointed by that, weren’t you Pilbeam?” interrupts Bright. “‘Oh no,’ you said, ‘I was planning on backing myself onto one of these but their cocks are far too small for my cavernous arse, which is the size it is because I’ve basically got men doing me, in the arse, all day every day.”

“Fuck off, Bright.” Pilbeam counters.

Of the Sutton Hoo ship burial, Pilbeam states that the subject of the burial, previously thought to be a high-status individual in Anglo-Saxon England, was in all likelihood “a bummer”.

The audio commentary continues in this vein for nearly thirty-two hours.


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