Archive for June 24th, 2013

June 24, 2013

British museum launches “gay guide” to its collections

by articulatedsheep

The British Museum has launched a guide to what it considers to be the homosexual elements in its treasure trove of ancient artefacts.

BM’s Director of Old Stuff, Augustus Optimus-Prime, said, “We were keen to explore gay themes in our collections, but given that most of our curatorial staff are poorly socialised and only dimly aware of sex as a concept, we felt we needed to pass the responsibility to an external expert.”

Gay

Gay

“We’re delighted to find as a result of this exercise that far more of what is currently on public display is gay than we had previously thought.”

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June 24, 2013

Brady hunger strike “involves him eating a full roast dinner with all the trimmings for every meal”

by articulatedsheep

It has been revealed that Ian Brady’s long-running hunger strike, which has lasted since 1999, involves him eating three large plates of roast lamb every day, accompanied by substantial quantities of potatoes, carrots, stuffing and cabbage, and washed down with bottles of premier cru champagne.

Brady: "wanker"

Brady: “wanker”

The Moors Murderer, who is pretty much definitively repellent in every way imaginable, is fed through a tube for those parts of the day when he is not shovelling delicious meat into his mouth.

“It’s quite sad really,” said a nurse assigned to caring for Brady in the high security Ashworth mental hospital, where he has been incarcerated since 1966. “Invariably when you knock on the door he shouts, ‘Hang on a minute’ with his mouth full, and when he finally lets you in his mouth is smeared with gravy and there’s a reek of mint sauce in the air.”

“To this day I have no idea where he gets it from. Or how he cooks it.”

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June 24, 2013

“Sassy robot butler” to feature in next series of Downton Abbey

by articulatedsheep

ITV have announced that, in a shakeup to their approach to Sunday evening snorefest Downton Abbey, a new character will be introduced in the form of Robby, a wisecracking robot whose hilarious hijinks will have audiences “rolling in the aisles”, according to commissioning editor Derek Twat.

Robby, whose presence in the new series will be entirely unexplained, will also be at the centre of a heartwarming storyline in which he will teach Maggie Smith’s Dowager Duchess of Crawley the true meaning of Christmas.

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June 24, 2013

Producers of Kick-Ass 2 disavow Jim Carrey

by philapilus

24/06/2013

Jim Carrey

This is Carrey subtly pretending he can’t hear, for comedic effect. AHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHA HAHAHAHA. Ahaha. Aha. Ha.

The makers of comic book movie Kick-Ass 2 have apologised for involving Jim Carrey with their project, and announced that they can no longer, in all good conscience, support the excessive presence of the overacting, unfunny comedian in their film.

Executive producer and creator of the comic, Mark Millar, said today “You know, we got Jim involved in the movie, but that was a mistake. I don’t think I considered at the time just how unpleasant and humorless he really is. It’s all very well making a very violent film, but when you have constant and unrestrained acts of Carreyness, you start to lose sight of your own moral compass.

“There’s an obvious correlation between children watching self-obsessed pillocks making nauseatingly awful attempts to be ‘zany’, and then going out and perpetrating copycat acts of forced ‘kraziness’.

“I have come to the conclusion that

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June 24, 2013

Berlusconi sentenced to 7 years of doing whatever he wants

by philapilus
Silvio Berlusconi

Ok, he looks happy now, but it’s probably just that the reality of his sentence hasn’t sunk in yet.

24/06/2013

The Italian ex-prime minister Silvio Berlusconi was today found guilty on yet more criminal charges – this time for having sex with an underage prostitute – and sentenced to spending 7 years “doing pretty much as he pleases”.

The egomaniacal media tycoon was found guilty of paying for sex with Morroccan prostitute Karima El Mahroug, known as ‘Ruby the Heart Stealer’, when she was only 17. He will now be sent to a place, or places, of his own choosing, and forced to do whatever he feels like doing for basically as long as he wants.

A spokesperson for the Italian justice system said “Having denied the allegations and falsely proclaimed his innocence, and as he shows no remorse whatsoever, Mr Berlusconi has been treated without any leniency.

“Silvio is no doubt going to have a Long Hard Think about

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June 24, 2013

Satan “very excited” about meeting FGM perpetrators

by philapilus
Gustave Doré, Depiction of Satan, the antagoni...

“Jesus Christ; and people say I’M bad?!”

24/06/2013

Lucifer, the Son of Perdition and Ruler of the Abyss, said this morning that he was thoroughly looking forward to receiving into Hell the people who subjected a 7 year old girl to female genital mutilation (FGM).

After reading that in the last 2 years alone the NHS has treated 1700 women who have suffered the ritual cutting, His Dark Satanic Majesty Beelzebub announced “I am going to have a whale of a time entertaining myself with these fuckers for the rest of eternity.

“Seriously, I mean I have some really horrible stuff going on down here 24/7, but I am going to find something new for

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