Parisians to consider learning manners

by philapilus
Eiffel Tower, from Champ-de-Mars, Paris.

Recent research has discovered that the concept behind this famous landmark was “to give ze massive middle finger to ze rest of ze world”


French tourism officials have released a guide aimed at encouraging Parisians to be less preternaturally unpleasant, as part of the city’s ‘Let’s not be such complete bastards to visitors’ campaign.

The French capital, famed for the rudeness and xenophobia of 98% of its population, is keen to improve its image abroad, and to create a culture of repeat-tourism.

This, it is hoped, will replace the current culture of sending visitors home covered in bruises, with “Fuck off, and do not return” tattooed on their foreheads.

The booklet, entitled “What ze hell are you looking at, you filthy sons of putains?” offers advice on various aspects of dealing with tourists, including sections on how to smile, how to avoid swearing continuously under your breath, and special instructions on not headbutting people.

Paris’s Head of Tourism, Francois Fromage, said “Ze problem is zat most of ze taxi-drivers, ze waitresses and ze food-vendors tend to act like Zinedine Zidane with ze foreign customers.

“We want zem to understand zat while touristes are obviously annoying little fuckers, you can make more moneys if you do not physically ‘arm zem.”

City officials also want to cultivate tailored responses for each visiting nationality. They suggest, for example that Parisians stop giving Nazi salutes to Germans, and cease smashing the cameras of Japanese visitors.

They also want to encourage people in the tourist industry to speak very loudly and slowly in monosyllabic words to Americans, instead of just making the ‘wanker’ gesture.

Fromage said “It is not about losing our proud national character, but about changing it just a little. We can still be utter bastards, oui?

“Zimply by charging ze prices stupide, and providing completely incompetent zervice,  you can offend people just as much, but in ze more zubtle way.

“Just like les Anglais do, in fact.”

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