Archive for June 20th, 2013

June 20, 2013

Wilshaw sectioned after delusional paranoid outburst

by philapilus

  

Padded Cell

The guy in the room next door thinks the UK economy is starting to recover!

20/6/2013

The Ofsted chief, Sir Michael Wilshaw, was today admitted to a secure mental health facility, after a public psychotic breakdown.

Witnesses said the chief inspector of schools in England turned up to a scheduled speech about the education system looking bewildered, dishevelled and aggressive. 

Sir Michael became increasingly erratic whilst speaking, throwing fruit and his unwashed pants at the audience, before lapsing into a barely comprehensible rant in which he asserted there were ‘unseen children’ and ‘invisible minorities’ hiding in schools around the UK.

As he began to rave about the need to drop special ‘teacher parachutist taskforces’ from Hercules transporter planes, men in

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June 20, 2013

Breaking News: Osborne to launch singing career

by philapilus
BBC TV The Black & White Minstrel Show

George has enlisted the help of fellow MPs Grant Shapps and Jeremy Hunt, along with four tea-ladies/dominatrixes from Tory HQ

20/06/2013

After President Obama repeatedly confused George Osborne with R&B-singer Jeffrey Osborne in a G8 speech, the chancellor has announced his intention to enter the music industry.

An anonymous aide said “The chancellor was so mortified with embarrasment, he couldn’t even correct the US president, which  means the only course of action open to him now is to do his best to become a successful black soul artist.”

David Cameron said “I’m confident George will

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June 20, 2013

Parisians to consider learning manners

by philapilus
Eiffel Tower, from Champ-de-Mars, Paris.

Recent research has discovered that the concept behind this famous landmark was “to give ze massive middle finger to ze rest of ze world”

20/06/2013

French tourism officials have released a guide aimed at encouraging Parisians to be less preternaturally unpleasant, as part of the city’s ‘Let’s not be such complete bastards to visitors’ campaign.

The French capital, famed for the rudeness and xenophobia of 98% of its population, is keen to improve its image abroad, and to create a culture of repeat-tourism.

This, it is hoped, will replace the current culture of sending visitors home covered in bruises, with “Fuck off, and do not return” tattooed on their foreheads.

The booklet, entitled “What ze hell are you looking at, you filthy sons of putains?” offers

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