Saatchi ‘attacker’: “I was only cuddling him”

by philapilus
English: blood, human, splatter, drops

Charles must have spilt some wine on the tablecloth. Actually it’s really quite beauiful, maybe it could go in his collection.

A man who was arrested last night for allegedly assaulting art collector Charles Saatchi has been released today, after explaining that he was only, in fact, giving him a cuddle.

The reclusive multi-millionaire was sitting at a restaurant enjoying a late dinner, said witnesses, when a man in a dark suit ran across the road and appeared to grab him by the throat.

He then seemed to repeatedly punch Saatchi’s face whilst throttling him, before kicking him in the testicles and taking his wallet.

But after a swift arrest the ‘attacker’ – later idenitified as art dealer Mike Ock – was released without charge.

PC McGarry No.452 said “Mr Ock was filmed on CCTV, and was also photographed by several members of the public – none of whom thought to intervene or, I don’t know, call for help or something.

“Anyway, once we presented Mr Ock with the evidence he was able to point out how it was a trick of the multiple camera angles, and how in actual fact he had been cuddling Mr Saatchi, who inexplicably fell over.

“Mr Ock noticed Mr Saatchi’s expensive wallet was nearly falling out of his pocket, and, not wanting the leather to get ruined, helpfully looked after it for him.

“Mr Ock was late for another appointment, and so then jumped in a car and left swiftly, inadvertently giving the impression of someone fleeing the scene of a crime. So it was all just a big misunderstanding, apparently.”

Mike Ock said this morning “Charles was crying, but they were tears of joy. We are old friends who haven’t seen each other for a while, and it was a very emotional reunion. The only reason he has since barricaded himself in his panic room, is that he hates press intrusion. So stay out of it, unless you want a cuddle too, OK?”

A survey carried out by the Times revealed that 98% of people think Saatchi deserves to receive such special cuddles on a daily basis, so his popularity is clearly at an all-time high.

%d bloggers like this: