NSA using Google, Apple and Facebook to find the really good internet porn

by philapilus
Headquarters of the NSA at Fort Meade, Marylan...

More chicken-choking than a battery farm on fire

Civil liberties groups across the world have expressed outrage at news that the National Security Agency has been secretly accessing the systems of several of the most powerful internet companies.

The revelation that the NSA has collected data directly from online giants like Google and Facebook, was made by our sister news organ, the Grauniad, which also discovered that these nefarious espionage tactics had mostly been used to get hold of really high quality porn. 

Journalist Wendy Nailinthehead said “We obtained a PowerPoint presentation entitled ‘This is Top Secret, no seriously, DON’T let anyone see this’. We guessed almost at once we were onto something.

“We assumed the NSA were combing personal internet histories to build up files on people’s political leanings, voting patterns and private lives, that sort of thing. But as we read through the document, we realised it was basically just jam-packed with references to who was finding the best porn, and where.

“There was also some stuff about which were the funniest ‘FAIL’ videos on ‘You Tube’ (am I saying that right?). But mostly it’s just about the porn.”

Unemployed porn commentator Tim Twanks said “I have spent fucking years finding the best girl-on-girl, girl-on-donkey, and donkey-on-donkey sites, and carefully compiling them into a private, searchable database.

“Now the bloody NSA has pinched all my hard work without so much as a tenner to say thanks. Plus, they have all my passwords, so they can download as much porn as they want, at my expense! This is taking an unbelievable liberty with my civil liberties.”

The NSA has refused to comment on the claims, or the document itself, but sources have revealed that just last month the agency put in gigantic orders of Kleenex and Johnsons Baby Oil.

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