Seagal to be large, puffy face of Russian arms manufacturer

by philapilus
Steven Seagal

Steven performing with his band, ‘Who Ate All The Pies?’

The Hollywood actor Steven Seagal has agreed to become the business envoy of a Russian arms firm, it was confirmed this morning.

Seagal, the star of a large number of low-budget martial arts films, which have been watched by dozens – if not scores – of erudite and discerning fans, was apparently delighted to be approached by Kovrov weapons.

Seagal has gradually become more associated with firearms, and less with athletic karate moves, as his career developed, due to a slight weight-gain problem. His scenes now tend to involve less kicking and punching, and more walking slowly across a room, sitting down in a reinforced chair, and pointing a gun at someone whilst wheezing heavily.

A spokesman for the company said “Initially Steven was going to be our public frontman in the US, but unfortunately he’s put on just a teensy bit of weight since the Hard to Kill days.

“As it is now not really possible to fit his body in the frame with anything other than a super wide-angle lens, we are just going to show his head instead, so he’s our public face, as it were.”

Seagal said “I want to help heal the frosty, warlike, relationship between the USA and Russia, which I think can be best achieved by advertising lots of their assault weaponry. Especially now we’ve gotten over our moment of post-Sandy Hook ‘Ban machine guns’ insanity.”

The portly actor has had strong ties with Russia for many years. His friendship with Vladimir Putin has been well-publicised, though it is recognised by some as a marriage of convenience.

Seagal’s agent said “It’s a win-win friendship, publicity-wise. Putin gets to stand next to someone who actually makes his own flabby body look less vomit-inducingly awful, whilst Seagal gets to stand next to somebody who makes him look less of a complete and utter cunt.

“And neither of them need to feel embarrassed about their tiny genitalia.”

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