Wetherspoon’s recruited in government cost-cutting drive

by philapilus
Result of a serious automobile accident

“Don’t drink and drive this Christmas; do it the rest of the year as well”

Pub chain JD Wetherspoon announced yesterday that it has been invited by the government to take part in a new pilot scheme, which could cut public expenditure and create jobs.

By allowing the firm to open a pub on the M40, the government hopes to at least triple the number of fatal accidents involving people from Birmingham.

Work and pensions minister Iain Duncan Smith said “Brummies are just awful. No manners, and horrible, horrible accents. 

“Like most cities represented by a Labour majority, the place is crawling with workshy layabouts, and if we can only start thinning them out, we can vastly reduce the number of UK benefit claimants.”

Duncan Smith has been working for some months with the Department for Transport to find the best way of getting large numbers of the poor to kill themselves.

A spokesman for the DfT said “We are delighted by this partnership, with one of the country’s most diabolically awful pub-chains, whose establishments are frequented by the knuckling, brawling lower classes.

“We are expecting high numbers of drink-driving fatalities to be complemented by a tenfold increase in road-rage incidents, and, with any luck, lots of car-park knifings and bottlings.”

JD Wetherspoon said it was “Equally delighted by the opportunity to fleece the alcoholic poor of even more money, whilst management watches the ape-circus from behind special one-way glass, laughing and drinking champagne.”

Iain Duncan Smith said the plans would additionally stimulate employment in the emergency service sector. 

“Increased accidents mean the government will bring in more private contractors, who will employ the cheapest people, who will inevitably be so inept that they end up causing even more deaths. It’s brilliant!”

To the suggestion that this policy was callous, inhumane, and posed a grave threat to society, Mr Duncan Smith replied “Don’t be silly. All the worthwhile people will be in their helicopters or jets. There is literally no downside. I’m a genius!”


%d bloggers like this: