Downing Street love affair triggers vomiting epidemic

by philapilus
English: Eric Pickles, British politician and ...

You’d need intestines of steel not to

A&E departments across the country are said to be completely overwhelmed this morning, after news of an affair between top government figures caused an outbreak of unstoppable vomiting.

The story broke yesterday in the Mail on Sunday. The paper, in the finest traditions of tirelessly impeccable Mail journalism, spread the unsubstantiated rumour and neglected to mention only such small details as the names of the people involved.

But this lack of a definitive ‘whodunnit’, meant that Britain was forced to spend the next 24-hours considering every potential horrible coupling from the large pool of incredibly unattractive senior government figures.

Rick Head, a decorator who since reading the story has so far thrown up seven litres of vomit said “Oh god, the possibilities are legion. It could be Theresa May and William Hague. It could be Michael Gove and Maria Miller.

“Oh Christ! Oh Jesus God! It could be Eric Pickles and literally anyone! Quick, pass me the bucket, I’m going to -”

Wendy Nailinthehead, a nurse at King’s College Hospital said “There are so many thousands of people throwing up in here that we’ve stopped even trying to clear up all the sick. We’re just wearing platform shoes and…hang on; what if it’s Osborne and Cable? Ung…ung…BLEEUUUURRGHH-”

Specialists from the Centre for Medical Disasters predict that the entire country will be ankle-deep in bile-soaked vomit by about midday. A spokesperson said “At least no one seems yet to have considered that it could be Clegg and Cameron. Oh god, it could be you know! Oh shit, get out the way! Too la-“

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