Archive for June 3rd, 2013

June 3, 2013

UK children have ‘very highly-developed knowledge of food’

by philapilus
Baken fishfingers on parchment paper

Allergy Information: If you’re allergic to fish, these are basically fine

A survey by the British Nutrition Foundation indicates that a quarter of primary school children believe that fish-fingers aren’t made with fish, whilst nearly a third think that cheese doesn’t contain dairy products.

Derek Dicksworth, education officer at BNF, said “To be honest we are flabbergasted by the answers that children as young as five gave to questions about food and its production in Britain today.”

“What a bunch of little geniuses! They

read more »

June 3, 2013

UK weather warning: strange celestial shape spotted

by philapilus

It’s time to make peace with your Maker

The Met Office has issued a severe weather warning after a large burning, sphere was spotted in the sky this morning. The bright shining thing is thought to be the cause of a severe nationwide heatwave, which has seen temperatures everywhere rocket way above the safe level, and into double figures.

Professor Hamish McEyebrau, from the Slough School of Sky Scrying, said “Across the country, our fluffy charcoal-grey sky appears to have been replaced with a blue so shockingly bright that it will quite probably destroy your retinas if you look right at it.

“As for the big white-hot thing slowly and inexorably climbing above us, we aren’t yet sure if it is a monster or an alien invasion, or even the Second Coming. All I can say is that everyone needs to hide in a basement with a thick blanket over their heads, until this terrible apocalyptic weather disappears.”

June 3, 2013

Downing Street love affair triggers vomiting epidemic

by philapilus
English: Eric Pickles, British politician and ...

You’d need intestines of steel not to

A&E departments across the country are said to be completely overwhelmed this morning, after news of an affair between top government figures caused an outbreak of unstoppable vomiting.

The story broke yesterday in the Mail on Sunday. The paper, in the finest traditions of tirelessly impeccable Mail journalism, spread the unsubstantiated rumour and neglected to mention only such small details as the names of the people involved.

But this lack of a definitive ‘whodunnit’, meant that Britain was forced to spend the next 24-hours considering every potential horrible coupling from the large pool of incredibly unattractive senior

read more »