Masturbators of the Month!

by philapilus
The wanker gesture - fingers and thumb in circ...

This month’s lot touch wood so furiously that they start small fires everywhere they go…

This morning our ‘Wanker of the Week’ editor received so many thousands of nominations that she couldn’t possibly get them all out of the envelopes and count them without missing at least seven of her numerous fag-breaks, and seriously cutting into her Freecell time as well.

As far as we could tell, after checking the first few ‘Wanker’ sackfuls (hur hur), most of your postal votes seemed to be pretty much evenly split between two options. As there are No Losers in our hugely coveted ‘Wanker of the Week’ competition, we have decided to offer both nominees joint winnershippery of the even-more-hugely-coveted ‘Masturbator of the Month’ title.

So, in no particular order:


Joint winners:

Anjem Choudary/the entire EDL

Nominated by:

half of you/the other half

Nominated for:

Being a total fucking twat/being a bunch of total fucking twats


This is the point where we would normally spend some time going into the levels of utter wankery our winners have engaged in, but – as one of them is so obviously such a colossal cunt, and as the others are as well – we have decided simply to say that if they all drowned in a swimming pool full of shit the country could declare a public holiday to celebrate.

So, despite all their many numerous fuckwitterish wankings, the main thing we want you to realise about this lot are that they have, more-or-less, cost you a day’s holiday simply by remaining alive.

What utter onanistic bastards.

Just think what you could have done (or pretended you were going to do, but then didn’t, because you were sitting on your fat arse) if you had had an extra day off next week…


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