Declining British wildlife “not meeting government targets”

by philapilus


English: Red Squirrel One of the many red squi...

Britain’s wildlife is massively inefficient, according to a prominent conservative thinktank

The government has been forced to admit failings in its wildlife policy, after a State of Nature report suggested that 10% of British animal and plant life could disappear entirely in the near future.

Number 10 issued a statement this morning saying “The projected reduction of wildlife shows a significant failure to achieve government targets.

“Under austerity measures, the coalition pledged to bring down British wildlife by 17% in the course of this parliament, rising to 34% by 2017.

“But due to unforseeable circumstances, including structural failings inherited from the previous government, the fucked-up weather, and the inability to organise inebriation in a place set aside for the fermentation of alcoholic beverages, we are now downgrading our estimates to 10% by the end of 2017, rising to 15% by 2020.”

Speaking at a butterfly sanctuary this morning, David Cameron said “The cost of our excess of wildlife is, to pluck a random figure out of the air, something in the region of £38bn per year. Money which would be far better utilised in the restructuring of public industries, to make them more competitive.”

Forming a rudimentary flamethrower with a can of Lynx and a cigarette lighter, Mr Cameron then sprayed devouring fire across swathes of cocoons, to the bewilderment of assembled press.

He then continued “This country needs to ensure that it has a viable future, outside of the EU, by forging stronger trade links with China and Azerbaijan, which is where the money is. Probably. And the best way to do that is to get rid of toads, red squirrels and wood-pigeons. Possibly.”

Shocked journalists then put a series of challenging ecological questions to the prime minister, who became visibly embarrassed and finally admitted “Look, to be honest, I don’t really know what I’m doing anymore, ok?

Every day I get handed some new bit of paper with a statistic on it and a note saying how bad this is, and it takes too long to come up with policies, or work out whether the figures should be higher or lower, so you can’t blame me if I am very much just making it up as I go along now.

“Anyway, vote conservative in 2015.”

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