Mervyn King: “It’s all just about the Golden Handshake now”

by philapilus
The Bank of England in Threadneedle Street, Lo...

“If you ever go down to the basement you’ll see there aren’t even any foundations. The whole building just sits on a cushion of hot air, like a hovercraft, or Cameron’s Cabinet”

Outgoing Governor of the Bank Of England, Sir Mervyn King, admitted this morning that talk of Britain’s economic recovery has been largely motivated by “the number of zeros I am going to get on the end of my cheque in June”.

King, one of the country’s most powerful figures, and whose every utterance affects the confidence of investors, said “The country’s economy is definitely growing. I know I said it was 0.5% yesterday, but it can be even higher if you like.

“Let’s call it 5% this year, rising to 9% next year. Haven’t I done well? In fact I think we’re almost certain to overtake China by 2016.

“Just remember that when you pop the cheque in my ‘Sorry You’re Leaving Card’, ok?”

To suggestions that he was revising estimates so that he could leave on a high, with the economy supposedly recovering, Sir Mervyn said “And…? Look, economics isn’t rocket science; if the Governor of the Bank of England says things are getting better, then everyone feels much better and starts spending and investing. Boom. (Quite literally.)”

Asked if his forthright statements and public admittal that the whole thing is a house of cards based on politically – and financially –  motivated statements, he said “Listen this can go one of two ways; I can get my nice fat Golden Handshake, some more honours and my pick of boards to sit on for the next few years, or I can tell the Financial Times that we’re all fucked, and everyone in the city needs to flee their offices, pulling as much copper wiring out of the walls as they can, to sell for scrap metal.

“Which would you prefer?”

Sir Dick Wad, Chairman of the London Stock Exchange, said “No, Sir Mervyn’s statement doesn’t undermine confidence at all. You don’t actually still think any of  us make decisions based on logic, do you? So, like he said, the Economy Is Definitely Growing.

“Oooh look, apparently I’m worth another £3.2m. Right, teabreak I think.”


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