Men in moral/horny quandary over Jolie’s mastectomy

by philapilus
Angelina Jolie at the premiere of Alexander in...

“What are we meant to fantasise about now?!” said men everywhere “Do we just focus on her big, pouting, luscious lips and… actually, don’t worry, that’ll do fine.”

The news that Hollywood star Angelina Jolie has had a double mastectomy to reduce her very high risk of breast cancer, has caused men across Britain to feel very confused.

John Thomas, a self-described ‘Jolie-fanatic and then some’, said “I got up, switched on the news, and there was Angelina talking about boobs. Naturally, I grabbed the box of tissues and Assumed The Position on the couch.

“But then it turns out she was talking about the likelihood of getting breast cancer, and it wasn’t quite so titillating anymore, pardon the pun. But even though I felt really sad for her, I still ended up Googling ‘Angelina topless’ for the rest of the morning, and whacking myself about something chronic.

“Is that wrong though? I mean, this seems serious. Apparently she had to have a ‘mastectomy’, whatever that is. I thought it was what guys get done so they don’t make women pregnant, but then why would she have had it? Oh god, please tell me she’s not really a dude?!”

Psychiatrist Wendy Nailinthehead said “What Jolie has tried to do is shed light on an important issue, to invite open, frank discussion about the reality of women’s bodies, and to show that femininity is not diminished by a cancer which affects so many of us.

“But whilst the female half of the population might treat this as the serious, emotive issue it is, when men see her talking about breast surgery, all they are basically thinking is ‘Hang on, does that mean no more topless scenes?!’ Fucking pathetic, isn’t it?”

Mike Ock MD, an oncologist who specialises in breast cancer, said “Hang on, does that mean no more topless scenes?!”

But unemployed Lara Croft fansite commenter, Tim Twanks, commented “Angelina Jolie’s had her breasts removed? So… where are they, and, um, are they for sale…?”

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