Cameron “Absolutely delighted” by Tory infighting

by philapilus
English: David Cameron's picture on the 10 Dow...

“It’s going really well. Definitely.”

Downing Street issued a statement this morning saying that the prime minister was “very happy” with his party’s current self-combustion over Europe, and considers it a sign that the debate is “very healthy and not-at-all castatrophically fuckwittedly disastrous for us”.

Many Eurosceptic Conservatives were enraged by the ommission of any reference to an EU referendum in the Queen’s Speech, and have proposed an amendment in Wednesday’s debate on the speech, along the lines of “Sodding well grow some bollocks, Dave”.

But Cameron has played down reports that the Tories are ensuring future electoral havoc, and says he is “Absolutely delighted” with the gaping chasm opening up not only in the backbenches, but within the cabinet itself.

Education Secretary Michael Gove, who is best known for suggesting very expensive private yachts as the answer to the country’s problems, said at the weekend that he was in favour of not being in favour of favourably favouring Europe.

Gove said “After an extensive survey carried out by my researchers over at UKTV Gold, I can confirm that what this country wants is much, much more Blackadder, Some Mothers Do ‘Ave ‘Em and Waiting for God, and much, much less of this whole ‘being in the EU’ thing.”

Defence Secretary Philip Hammond, also took time out from his busy Top Gear filming schedule to add his weight to the anti-EU crowd.

Arguments over Europe have become incredibly heated according to a Whitehall source, with both William Hague and Ian Duncan Smith being pinned down and subjected to severe headslappings by gangs of unruly Tories.

The prime minister, who is currently in America, repeatedly being called a colossal knob-jockey by President Obama, said “The Conservative party is  having a mature and restrained debate on this issue.

“Far from simply shooting ourselves in the foot, we are proudly and diligently blasting off both our legs below the knee with a massive anti-tank cannon.”

He added with a slightly consternated frown “That’s right, isn’t it? I’ve never really ‘got’ that particular metaphor.”

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