Tories to ‘Out-bonkers’ Ukip by bringing back Dorries

by philapilus

Nadine says the colourful voices that live in her teeth told her to rejoin

After losing ground to Ukip in last week’s county council elections, the conservative party has reinstated Nadine Dorries, in an attempt to reclaim the status of ‘party with the highest appeal to lunatics’.

Dorries was suspended from the Tory benches for taking a holiday whilst parliament was sitting, in order to appear on a reality TV show.

But as the conservatives realised they were being out-manoeuvered by the preternaturally unhinged Nigel Farage, chief whip Sir George Young said they had “No alternative but to roll out the biggest nutters we possibly can. And they don’t come more batshit-crazy than Nadine.”

Dorries has previously courted controversy in wide-ranging attacks on abortion counselling services, disabled people who tweet, and the leaders of her own party.

David Cameron said “Nadine has long been considered one of the most completely mental people in UK politics, and in particular her tendency to froth at the mouth whilst ranting like a maniac will be a useful defence against Farage’s oddly jovial brand of insanity.”

He added “Furthermore, not since Ozzy Osbourne have I ever seen anyone so proficient at biting the heads off live birds. Though it has to be said, Ozzy used to spit them out.”

A spokesperson for Nadine said “Since being reinstated to the conservative party, Nadine has lost no time in challenging Mr Farage to a swim-off in a pool full of man-eating sharks. Nigel said he would be delighted, in that baffled, affable, creepy way of his, and the only thing holding us up now is that we’re on a waiting list for the sharks.

“Bloody Damien Hirst’s gone round buying them all up again.”

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