Queen to reinstate capital punishment

by philapilus

  

English: Whipping post and stocks Historic pun...

Finally there will be a reason to buy the crappy out-of-date fruit that the cornershop sells

Her Majesty the Queen is expected to outline a number of socially regressive laws in her speech today, including the reintroduction of capital punishment, the placing of debtors in stocks to be pelted with rotten fruit, and a referendum on the EU.

Riding the tide of current royal popularity, after the jubilee and royal wedding, she will say that “We have long been minded to turn the clock back, and now we are bloody well going to do it.

“Our country is filled with oiks and upstarts, and, as Blur said, modern life is rubbish. So we intend to bring back hanging, reclaim all the nation’s assets as our personal property, and make everyone wear breeches and funny hats, and basically go round like it’s 1842.

“All of this is bound to fix the deficit, reduce prison overcrowding, and basically make me happy in a way that I haven’t been since 1997. I know some of you will disagree, and see this as an invasion of your rights, but you can fuck off. It’s happening, so get used to it.”

On the thorny question of whether Britain should stay in the EU, the Queen will say “We’re having a referendum, but there’s no point in you voting, because ultimately I’m just going to see how I feel on the day and make the decision myself.

“I have sat around doing fuck all for sixty years, and I plan to hang around and spend the next sixty actually having fun.”

At which point analysts predict Prince Charles will break down in tears.

Advertisements
%d bloggers like this: