Archive for May, 2013

May 31, 2013

Celebrity father and son team invent new branch of mathematics

by philapilus
Standard matrix in mathematics

Just the a+1 = 2 of us

Eminent Harvard professors, Will and Jaden Smith, have given an extraordinary interview to the New York Magazine, in which they outline theories which they say will revolutionise mathematics.

Professor Will Smith, whose most famous contributions to the field include his books on advanced calculus (‘I am Legend’) and differential equations (‘MIB3’), claimed that he and son Jaden have “Definitively cracked the grand theory of everything”.

Professor Smith Jnr said “It’s very hard to explain, especially trying to use only words that little people will understand. But

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May 31, 2013

Mars Rover ‘discovers Richard Littlejohn’

by philapilus
LBC News Talk - Richard Littlejohn photocard (...

Just Fucking Awful

NASA pictures from the Mars Rover have caused a furore of excited debate amongst the scientific community, after keen-eyed observers noticed they appeared to show Richard Littlejohn.

Scientists claim that by zooming in on details in the Rover’s 49,301st and 49,302nd photographs of small brown rocks, the repellent rodent can be seen quite clearly, chewing on its own testicles.

Professor Hamish McEyebrau, leading geneticist from the Slough School for Spotting Stuff on Mars, said “We believe that

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May 28, 2013

Round-up of your bank holiday weekend

by philapilus
English: A television remote control.

You PROMISED yourself you were going to hide it this time…

Britain admitted this morning that it had done less than half of the things it had planned for the long bank holiday weekend, and that feelings of guilt, sloth and failure had made the always-unpleasant return to work worse than usual.

Unemployed bank holiday commenter, Tim Twanks, commented “Unfortunately I have once again thrown away a golden opportunity to really actually do some of the stuff that I am always saying I will do as soon as I get the chance.

“Instead I

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May 28, 2013

EDL encouraged to participate in deadly cheese-rolling

by philapilus
English: The cliffs of Beachy Head and the Lig...

There will be a bonus prize for any member who manages to impale themselves on the light-house using a hang-glider

After Help for Heroes refused donations from a sponsored walk planned by Tommy Robinson, suggestions have flooded in for alternative activities the EDL leader might consider.

One in particular, from Professor Hamish McEyebrau of the Slough School of Suggestions, has captured the public’s attention, and many thousands of people have written to the EDL, backing his suggestion for a cheese-rolling event.

Professor McEyebrau said “As I understand it, Robinson’s group advocate

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May 24, 2013

Masturbators of the Month!

by philapilus
The wanker gesture - fingers and thumb in circ...

This month’s lot touch wood so furiously that they start small fires everywhere they go…

This morning our ‘Wanker of the Week’ editor received so many thousands of nominations that she couldn’t possibly get them all out of the envelopes and count them without missing at least seven of her numerous fag-breaks, and seriously cutting into her Freecell time as well.

As far as we could tell, after checking the first few ‘Wanker’ sackfuls (hur hur), most of your postal votes seemed to be

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May 23, 2013

Muslims “delighted” to be your punching bag

by philapilus


The Baitul Futuh Mosque in London

“If you feel uneasy throwing bricks and petrol bombs at us, why don’t you pretend you’re relaxing at a coconut shy? Bring the kids; fun for all the family”

Peaceful, moderate muslims across the UK said today that they were thrilled by the prospect of being targeted with yet more stigmatisation, violence, and unconcealed hatred.

Abdul Iqbal, a grocer who doesn’t want to rip your arms and legs off and feed them to rabid dogs, said “Clearly the only appropriate response after yesterday’s atrocious acts of psychotic violence by two extremist nutters, is for you to beat the shit out of us as much as you like.

“I expect we deserve it. I mean, I’m not yet quite sure why my children should be pelted with stones in the park, but after I have finished reading the Daily Mail no doubt it will become clear.

“Oh and if you

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May 22, 2013

Erratum: red squirrel

by philapilus

A keen-eyed reader noticed that the image initially attached to our article about British wildlife was actually of an American red squirrel, and not one indigenous to these shores. We have corrected the mistake.

TMB certainly does not claim to be infallible, and any news organisation worth its salt would thank readers for pointing out errors. But as

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May 22, 2013

Declining British wildlife “not meeting government targets”

by philapilus


English: Red Squirrel One of the many red squi...

Britain’s wildlife is massively inefficient, according to a prominent conservative thinktank

The government has been forced to admit failings in its wildlife policy, after a State of Nature report suggested that 10% of British animal and plant life could disappear entirely in the near future.

Number 10 issued a statement this morning saying “The projected reduction of wildlife shows a significant failure to achieve government targets.

“Under austerity measures, the coalition pledged to bring down British wildlife by 17% in the course of this parliament, rising to 34% by 2017.

“But due to

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May 17, 2013

Fire engines “not actually necessary”

by philapilus
Routemaster buses at Clapton Pond terminus, Lo...

“Look, it’s even got a pole on the back that you could try and slide down if the alarm goes while you’re upstairs. Perfick.”

An independent, wholly unpartisan report has, amazingly, managed to confirm the government’s position on rampant financial waste in the public sector.

A report by the former chief fire and rescue advisor, Sir Ken Knight, states that “The entire fire-fighting service of the UK is a glaring example of utterly unnecessary waste, especially as we employ fire-fighters all year, when most fires can be put out in a single afternoon. What the hell are they doing the rest of the time?!”

Sir Ken’s concluding remarks recommend

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May 16, 2013

Mervyn King: “It’s all just about the Golden Handshake now”

by philapilus
The Bank of England in Threadneedle Street, Lo...

“If you ever go down to the basement you’ll see there aren’t even any foundations. The whole building just sits on a cushion of hot air, like a hovercraft, or Cameron’s Cabinet”

Outgoing Governor of the Bank Of England, Sir Mervyn King, admitted this morning that talk of Britain’s economic recovery has been largely motivated by “the number of zeros I am going to get on the end of my cheque in June”.

King, one of the country’s most powerful figures, and whose every utterance affects the confidence of investors, said “The country’s economy is definitely growing. I know I said it was 0.5% yesterday, but it can be even higher if you like.

“Let’s call it 5% this year, rising to 9% next year. Haven’t I done well? In fact I think we’re

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