Bees’ intimidation campaign too much for EU

by philapilus
English: European honey bees (Apis mellifera) ...

“Do azzzz we zzzzay or elzzzze…”

The European Commission has agreed to ban the use of neonicotinoid pesticides, after a brutal campaign of scare-tactics targeting EU officials and farmers.

The pesticides, which are harmful to bees, caused outrage in hives across Europe, outrage which spilled over into acts of violence and threatening behaviour.

One agricultural expert, who asked to remain anonymous, described the intimidation to which he and his family were routinely subjected. “We’d be sitting round the breakfast table, and suddenly this swarm of bees would appear, and they’d just hover, looking menacing and buzzing incredibly loudly, so that we’d stop talking. Then as soon as we stopped, they’d go silent. But if we started talking again, they would immediately begin buzzing, even louder, until we stopped again.

“This went on until we were too afraid to speak in our own home. My family were traumatised, and even now my youngest son refuses to utter a word.”

Other tactics of terror to which EU officials were subjected included threatening messages daubed in honey across bathroom mirrors, ‘Heavy Buzzing’ anonymous phone-calls, and of course suicide-stinging.

One traumatised advisor on ecological affairs awoke to find the severed head of a horse-fly had been left in his bed while he slept.

The European Commissioner for Apiology said “It pains me to bow to the threat of force, but we have to accept that in this instance the dangers bees pose to our society far outweigh the benefits of neonicotinoid pesticides.

“Also, whenever I leave for work in the morning, there’s thousands of bloody bees sitting all over the driveway, and perched on the telephone wires, just watching me. It is massively freaking me out. It’s just like that scene in The Birds. Except with bees.”

Advertisements
%d bloggers like this: