Osborne: “Only poor people commit murder”

by philapilus
George Osborne 0482am

“Grabbing you by the head, the benefits claimant will then break your neck with one quick twist”

George Osborne has this week outlined an intriguing new theory linking poverty to crime, a claim he explains is substantiated by the horrific Philpott tragedy.

Using the extremely media-provocative case of utter cunt Mick Philpott, who killed his own children, Osborne explained that “It doesn’t take Colombo to notice that the obvious prime causal factor in this vagabond’s brutal slaying of his children was that he was a benefits claimant.”

Speaking during a brewery tour, in which he drank from a half-pint glass to make himself look taller, the chancellor said that “Whilst you and I wouldn’t dream of harming a hair on anyone’s head, pretty much every poor person is continuously in a state of near-homicidal rage, caused largely by their envy of those who have worked harder, and who naturally have – and deserve – more.

“The average pauper loathes himself for being base enough to claim benefit, and, despite using our insanely nannying legal system to fill his pockets with your money, he hates you as well.”

Osborne claimed that “The poor person is a dirty, scruffy individual, characterised by sloth, indolence, jealousy, and frequently suffering grotesque skin infections. He will mark himself with ‘tattoos’, watch football, and drink beer.

“Um, I mean, that is to say, not good beer, like you make in this fine brewery, but lager.

“He will kill his entire family at a moment’s notice, and wouldn’t think twice of robbing your house, slashing your car tyres, and raping your wife with his oversized, powerful penis, that reminds you of how the other boys in school had much bigger ones, but my mum said it would grow eventually.”

Some academics have suggested that Osborne’s theory is a rehash of earlier historical manifestations of conservative and right-wing opinion, like Victorian moralism, fascism or even Thatcherism.

But Conservative Central Office has already found several newspapers that agree with the chancellor, such as the Daily Mail, which insists that killing all the children of the poor is the only way to prevent child-murderers like Mick Philpott from coming into existence.

The Guardian however has vigorously opposed this, with Polly Toynbee stating that the blame for the Philpott murders lies wholly with the affluent upper-middle classes. 

Ed Balls meanwhile responded on behalf of the Labour party, calling the chancellor “A cockmaster, a pillock, a coward and, generally speaking, an utter cunt.”

The conservatives retaliated by pasting up posters all around Westminster, saying “Ed Balls is a twat and a retard”.

Commentators have confidently asserted that this debate will definitely continue to be an erudite and responsible analysis of the uneven distribution of wealth in the UK and its implications.

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